things fall apart
by stargazer21
Summary: Mr. Gilmore dies suddenly of a stroke right in front of his grandaughter Rory. Before everything made sense, before everything was normal, but now everything was falling apart. Only one can put everything in its place.
1. Default Chapter

Jess tried to ignore the sounds around him and focus on the book. It really wasn't that hard.he had been doing it his whole life. The book was alright, but nothing spectacular. He was just grateful that the diner was slow enough that he was able to read Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. He knew in about an hour the diner would be full of the lunch hour crowd and he would have to actually work instead of reading or pretending to work.  
  
Jess' attention was torn away from the book when he saw Babette and Miss Patty rush in the diner very out of breath and collapse on two stools. He decided to ignore them and keep reading.  
  
"Jess, where's Luke?" Jess didn't even look up from his book when he shrugged.  
  
"Sweetie this is an emergency."  
  
Jess hated it when he Miss Patty called him names that belonged to foods or small children with blonde curls. He was about to give a sarcastic response when Luke came down the stairs behind him.  
  
"Man of the hour." Jess was grateful Luke could take care of those women because now he could get back to Ralph Ellison.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Luke we need to tell you something." It wasn't until then that Jess noticed that their voices seemed different. There was an urgency that he hadn't noticed before.  
  
"Have you two started already? It's not even noon yet."  
  
"It is about Lorelai and Rory." At this Jess looked up from his book. His back was turned away from them so they couldn't see his face.  
  
"Did something happen? Are they alright?" Jess held his breath at Luke's words without even realizing it.  
  
"No they're not." Hearing that, Jess quickly spun around and faced them. He didn't care that he was letting his guard down and that they would see that he cared. He tried to ignore the images coming to his mind and endless possible tragedies awaiting the next sentence Miss Patty could utter. "Their grand-father died."  
  
"Oh my God, that's terrible. What happened?" Both of Luke's hands were pressed on the counter and he looked down at the cold shiny surface. The three of them didn't notice Jess move to stand next to Luke so he could hear everything, every detail about the tragedy.  
  
"Stroke. Lorelai said he died almost instantly," Miss Patty said.  
  
"I went over to their house this morning to return her projector and slides, and Lorelai told me what happened." Jess contemptuously noted that Babette was eager to tell how she knew everything.  
  
"How'd she look?" Luke's voice was low and soft.  
  
"Terrible. She was packing a few things when she came to the door to stay at her mother's in Hartford. But what can you expect? She's not the one I am worried about though. I am worried about Rory. Apparently her grandfather kneeled over right in front of her while Lorelai and Mrs. Gilmore were out."  
  
At this Jess closed his eyes. He tried to let the information sink in and he felt a great pain in his chest. Short thoughts were running through his mind while still listening to the conversation, this is too much.she won't be able to handle it. He was consumed by the damage that this death could do to sweet Rory. He had to remind himself to keep it together at least for now.  
  
"How did Rory look?" Luke was very aware of Jess next to him and the thoughts running through his mind because they were running through his.  
  
"I didn't see her. Lorelai said she was in the shower but who knows."  
  
Jess couldn't take anymore. He could tell this was all the information they were good for so he turned abruptly grabbed his book and went up the stairs to his room. He sat on his bed and put his head in his hands. He was tempted to call but decided not to. What would he say? What could he possibly say to make the pain go away? "I'm sorry" and "He's in a better place" were just too used and too cliché. Besides she wasn't even his.  
  
Then he started thinking of Dean which made him angry. He started thinking of Dean comforting Rory and holding her in his arms. He knew he was an asshole for his train of thought but he also knew that he couldn't help it. Jess felt the familiar anger stirring within him. Anger at Dean. Anger at Rory for being with Dean instead of him. He took solace in the anger because it was something that he could handle. He was used to feeling it. But the anger quickly passed. He couldn't be angry at Rory, especially not now.  
  
Trying to think of something else, Jess got up and put on a Radiohead CD which he burned. Desperately, he opened up his book and tried to lose himself in it like he did earlier. He tried to focus on the words and language Ralph Ellison used. It was futile.  
  
He sighed and gave in to the other scarier emotions raging within him. Jess glanced at his watch as he laid back on his bed and threw the book across the room. It hit the couch so it didn't make that much noise and no damage was done. Except to the book itself. Jess knew that he didn't have very much time to sort his shit out. Soon Luke would come upstairs telling him to work. Or worse, trying to talk to him.  
  
The music was soothing. He closed his eyes and sighed. He admitted to himself he was hurt. Which was a very big step for Jess. He admitted that he was hurt knowing Rory was hurting and the pain was magnified because he couldn't do anything to make it go away. For her.  
  
He was lying there for quite some time thinking. When "Karma Police" came on he decided to do something. He would write a letter to her. Jess had no intention of actually giving it to her but hopefully it would be somewhat cathartic. He grabbed a spiral notebook and began scribbling away. He didn't edit and he didn't hold back. It was about four pages in length when he was finished, which Jess thought was a bit long.  
  
Then Jess remembered Shane was going to come over later because Luke would be out of town that night. He decided to cancel. Although Shane had turned out to be a great distraction from everything so far and probably would tonight, he wasn't in the mood. He was too concerned with Rory.  
  
Carefully Jess folded the letter that Rory would never read and tucked it within the pages of his copy of Light in August by William Faulkner that was lying on top of a number of other books on the nightstand next to his bed. He shook his head in a vain attempt to think clearly and went back downstairs to fill coffee cups and take orders.  
  
About a mile away Rory was back in the shower; it was her third that morning. The previous two times the water pounding on her skin was able to distract her from the painful reality around her. This time it wasn't working though. This time she was slumped against the tile wall sitting down with her head resting on her knees. She couldn't stop crying and couldn't stop thinking about what happened. She looked at her hands and thought her fingers looked like raisins.  
  
She willed herself to get out and wrapped her fluffy blue robe around herself. She looked at herself in the mirror and barely recognized herself. Her eyes were red from crying and she had dark circles under them. Her hair was wet and matted down to her head making her look very tiny and very pale. Rory turned away from the mirror disgusted with herself and went to find her mom. Hopefully she was doing better than before. Hopefully her mom would be strong now and had stopped throwing things.  
  
Very slowly Rory got dressed and put on jeans and a shirt. She walked to the couch and set next to her mom who was staring straight ahead at nothing at all. They sat their not saying anything. They seemed like they were in a trance, like zombies moving in slow motion not capable of going faster.  
  
Rory wanted her mom to be strong and her mom was, but even Lorelai Gilmore had her limits. The phone rang a few times and each time Lorelai would answer and talk politely and not give way to the emotions eating her alive. Neither had eaten or slept since IT happened.  
  
"We are very popular today." Lorelai's voice was without emotion.  
  
"It was probably Babette that did it." Rory also spoke without emotion. Her mind wandered to that morning when she heard Babette's voice coming out of the shower. She knew then that Babette would soon spread the news of IT all over town.  
  
"Probably." Lorelai paused then continued, "Your grandmother keeps calling. I think she is doing pretty well. She is able to keep busy by having to deal with all the arrangements." Lorelai paused thinking Rory would jump in and say something but Rory didn't so she continued, "I will have to leave soon to go over there."  
  
"Can I stay here?" Rory did not want to go back over there. Back where IT happened. What her mind keeps replaying in her mind over and over. Rory didn't want to go anywhere. She just wanted to curl up and sleep through the whole thing.  
  
"Oh," pause, "Kay." Lorelai didn't think she should leave Rory alone but she also knew she needed to talk to her mother. There were so many things unsaid between them that needed to be dealt with. Things about her dead father. Things about her failure as a daughter. She felt her chest cave in just thinking about all that had happened. Besides, she reasoned to herself, Rory probably doesn't want to go back to that house right now.  
  
The phone rang again and Lorelai picked it up and changed her voice and pretended that she was fine. She told everyone that she was fine. That Rory was fine. That was the word that kept getting used, "fine." Rory was sick of hearing it. Tears rolled down her cheeks while she was thinking about how "un-fine" they were. Her mother tucked the phone in her shoulder and head wrapped both arms around her crying daughter. 


	2. find me

Disclaimer: I forgot one last time.uh.none of the characters are mine but the dialogue is so please don't sue me.blah blah blah  
  
Author's note: I am a huge Literai fan and always hated how Jess and Rory got together this season. I thought Rory was too fickle (like her mom) and I always kind of wanted Jess and Rory to get together because they knew they needed each other.not because Dean just couldn't put up with her anymore. Anyways one of my friend's grandpa died recently and she said that her boyfriend was the only one able to comfort her and that now they are inseparable. This is my first fanfic so please keep that in mind in your criticism.  
Rory turned in her bed and glanced at the clock. It read 12:14 and she sat up suddenly thinking of something she could do. She had been trying to sleep for the last few hours with no success. The night before she dreamed that she was at school walking in the hall with Paris and her grandpa was lying on the floor. All the students were stepping over him and talking like he wasn't there.dead And the packs of Chilton students kept walking in front of Rory and cutting her off so that no matter how many steps she took forward he was still the same distance away from her. She woke at 3 a.m. sweating and shaking all over.  
  
Rory didn't want to remember the dream about her dead grandpa's body on the cold tile floor at Chilton; she reasoned that she couldn't sleep because she barely moved at all that day. Sitting in her bed she decided the best thing to do was to go for a walk. It was late enough so that no one would be out and Stars Hollow could be quite peaceful at night. She hoped it would be quiet and calming. A tranquil effect was what she needed, she thought. She changed into jeans and threw on a gray zip up sweatshirt. She grabbed her cell phone just in case, she thought to herself.  
  
A few hours earlier her mom called and told her she was going to stay at her grandmother's for the night. Lorelai offered to drive and pick-up Rory and take her back to Hartford but Rory convinced her that she was already asleep and she just wanted to stay in bed. Her mother didn't have the energy to argue and fight her on it. Just a simple "Okay," was all that was said.  
  
Rory circled Stars Hollow twice and still was restless. The thought of returning to the house and to her bed and to the dreams that awaited her made her shiver. But it could have also been the cold. It was cold for November but Rory liked feeling the cold, it was better than the other feelings she was going through. She paused suddenly overcome with the images of her grandpa. There were so many memories that were bad, more than good ones. She felt the tears come, and she looked around to make sure no one was around.  
  
Maybe it would make it better if I just kept moving, she told herself.  
  
The worst memory came to her and she couldn't push it away. The memory of them walking and then him falling. She stumbled on something and Rory suddenly wanted to sit down. She realized that she was at the bridge, Jess' bridge. Jess. Another painful thing to think about. But less painful then grandpa so she didn't mind. Rory sat down on the bridge and let her legs dangle over the edge and let the tears fall.  
  
Rory couldn't move. She couldn't even sit up anymore thinking about her grandpa and how he collapsed right next to her. She kept replaying it in her mind wondering if she had said something different or done something different that maybe he would be alive. She replayed calling 911 and kneeling next to her grandpa on the floor begging him to open his eyes and wake-up. Then memories of past dinners, past fights, past parties all came at her at once.  
  
She didn't think she could breathe.  
  
One moment they were walking in the hallway and the next he was on the floor. It didn't make sense to Rory. Once she had seen a dog get hit by a car and she was so upset that she cried for two hours, but now someone real and close to her died. Someone she loved was taken away from her. Who took him? Where did he go? Where was he now? Was he watching her now? Could he see her? Was he in heaven or hell? Did she believe in God? There were so many questions, endless questions, but Rory didn't have any answers.  
  
She had always tried to have the right answer. She based her whole life on answers. Now there were only questions. She let her mind wander and let the tears fall. The last coherent thought that passed through her was "So this is grief. This is pain. Absolute pain."  
Rory heard a voice from somewhere pulling her out of her thoughts. She wasn't asleep. She was very aware of the voice but decided against acknowledging it. She didn't have the strength to turn her head toward it. Her eyes were focused on the water. It was dark, black even. For a brief moment she considered going in the black water and letting it swallow her whole. She knew it was peaceful in there. But it was only a brief thought that she quickly dismissed. It was then that she realized she was lying down on the bridge and that it was snowing.  
  
"Rory."  
  
Her mind wasn't working properly. It's too early for snow. Snow doesn't come until at least December or January or on a slow year February, she thought.  
  
"Rory look at me. Please."  
  
The voice sounded desperate. It was familiar.  
  
"Rory."  
  
She felt hands on her face. Cold hands. They were turning her head to look up.  
  
"Rory."  
  
It was Jess. He was kneeling next to her.  
  
"Your hands are cold."  
  
"Do you have any idea how long you've been out here?"  
  
Rory shook her head. She was still lying down on the bridge with his hands threaded in her hair now. She honestly had no sense of time. The concept seemed so far away, so distant. Jess removed his hands from her face and started to unbutton his jacket.  
  
"Almost two hours." He paused removing his jacket and Rory was thinking about what he had just said. Had he been watching her the whole time, she wondered. "It started snowing about half an hour ago."  
  
"I didn't even notice." Rory sat up as she spoke. Jess stood and helped her on her feet. Snow that had gathered on her body and when she stood it fell from her like powdered sugar. Jess put the jacket around her.  
  
"Put this on. You are freezing." Suddenly Rory realized she was cold. Very cold. She put her arms in his jacket and it was big on her but it was warm and fuzzy on the inside. She could smell cigarettes on it and concluded that Jess had probably been smoking while watching her. She thought she should be probably creeped out but wasn't.  
  
Rory's hands shook as she buttoned the coat and she found that she couldn't do it. Her fingers were too cold and they weren't working. Without saying anything Jess buttoned the coat for her and Rory felt like a child. Rory watched his hands move. They were definitely the hands of a man and yet Jess was moving them so carefully.  
  
His hands had such skill. She lifted her head and looked at Jess' face. If he was aware she was looking at him, he didn't acknowledge it. His face was focused, concentrating on the buttons. His eyes were dark. He straightened the collar and they locked eyes. Rory opened her mouth to speak but couldn't find words.  
  
"Let's go to Luke's so you can warm up and get you some coffee or something." He wanted to get her inside where it was warm. He was worried.  
  
"Okay." They turned and walked in silence. Rory thought Jess was walking too fast and it occurred to her as she walked that the snow had caused her clothes to become wet and that her hands hadn't stopped shaking yet.  
  
"Put your hands in the pockets so they can warm up." And Rory did as she thought he might be reading her mind.  
  
When they were a block away from the diner, Rory lost her footing and almost fell but Jess steadied her. Rory felt his arm go around her back and his hand rest on her hip and she leaned against him.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"Fine." So they kept walking but now Rory was leaning into him and Jess didn't remove his arm from around her. Rory closed her eyes and wished to herself that they keep walking like this and never reach the diner. She was warm, or at least warmer, and Jess was holding her. She almost felt like smiling. Almost. 


	3. hold me

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.I didn't create the characters..but these are my words and my concept...I have no money so don't sue me.  
  
Author's Note: thanks for the reviews..I have this story already written so I will be updating a lot.keep reviewing even if it is criticism cause I can take it..  
HOLD ME  
  
Silently Jess led Rory up the stairs to the apartment while still holding her. He turned the lights on and led her inside. No one would suspect that the lights were on upstairs just down. This was how Jess was thinking. His main concern was for Rory and not him. He wanted to make her warm. He wanted to make sure her reputation was intact. He wanted to make sure she wouldn't get sick. This was what love did to him.  
  
Under any other circumstances Jess would have relished in the close proximity to her, but Jess didn't want it like this. Not like this, he told himself over and over when his mind would wander and fantasize.  
  
"I haven't seen it since the remodeling. This is."  
  
"Yeah-"  
  
"-that over there."  
  
"That's mine." Jess let go of her as he spoke and went to the dresser to find some clothes for her. "You are gonna need to change into something warmer. You're clothes are soaked and-"  
  
Rory interrupted him, "Where's Luke?"  
  
"At Nicole's." He walked up to her and handed her the clothes. Jess could sill see snow in her hair and resting on her eyelashes. He wanted desperately wanted to run his hands threw it and he felt his hand burning to reach out. Just for one touch. His throat was tight. "It is some sweatpants and a t-shirt and a sweatshirt. I think they should work." He fought to keep his voice steady.  
  
"The Smiths." Rory read the shirt Jess had given her. She remembered him wearing it once.  
  
Jess nodded and they locked eyes again. She had the most beautiful eyes. It was one of the first things he had noticed about her. But her baby blues were red now, bloodshot from all the crying he assumed. She had dark circles under them and he doubted if she slept at all the previous night.  
  
"I'm gonna go downstairs and make you some coffee. You change and I'll be back in a sec." He walked by her and closed the door behind him. Out of her sight he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.  
  
It felt strange taking her clothes off in the apartment, in Jess' room. Rory changed quickly into the clothes Jess gave her and then looked around. She saw books and CD's she recognized. The posters seemed mostly the stuff that Luke probably had, but there were a few that she knew was Jess' signature style. Rory was surprised that his bed was made, she never figured Jess was the kind of guy that makes his bed every day.  
  
Jess was being so nice to her, so unlike how he usually is. Rory remembered his fingers working with such skillful dexterity on his own jacket. On her. The look on his face as their eyes met. His arm reaching out to balance her when she almost fell. The feel of him. The satisfaction of being so close to him.  
  
He is only being nice because he feels sorry for you, a voice reminded her.  
  
Then Rory remembered Dean. She remembered Dean coming by the house because they were supposed to spend the day together and telling him what happened. She cried as he held her and Rory pretended she felt better with him there but it was a lie. She didn't feel better at all. She told Dean she wanted to be alone and he left. He was a perfect boyfriend; he always did whatever he felt Rory wanted. It was wrong, she told herself, to brush Dean off and now be in Jess' room in his clothes on his bed. She started crying again, quietly as she laid down on the bed. She always did everything wrong.  
  
Jess opened the door and called out her name.  
  
"Jess?" Rory responded.  
  
Carrying a cup of coffee and some soup he walked slowly to the kitchen table and sat them down. He tried to push the image of Rory lying down on his bed away from his mind, but he couldn't. He heard her get up and walk over to stand next to him. He could feel her arm and her shoulder touching his. He glanced at her sideways but she was looking at the coffee and soup like it was her trig homework. He could tell she had been crying.  
  
"Coffee and soup." He didn't know what else to say. Rory nodded and sat down in the chair that the mug and bowl were in front of and Jess moved to sit directly opposite of her. "How are the clothes?"  
  
"Warm." She took a sip of the coffee and it burned all the way down.  
  
"Is it okay?"  
  
"Yeah, it's fine. But I'm not really hungry though."  
  
"When was the last time you ate?"  
  
"This morning." Technically not a lie. She tried to eat pop-tarts that morning but she threw them up. That was the reason for shower number two.  
  
"Liar."  
  
"How do you-"  
  
"You are not very good at it Rory." She put the mug down, grabbed a spoon and tentatively started to eat the soup. It was warm and felt good. She ate slowly. She looked up at Jess and he was watching her. Everywhere on her skin started to tingle and Rory didn't know whether it was from the sudden heat or from Jess' stare.  
  
"Is your mom going to be worried? I mean it's like 2:30 in the morning." Jess didn't want to get her in trouble. He didn't want to cause her any awkward moments with her mom by coming home at 3 a.m.  
  
"No she is at my.she is in Hartford tonight." Rory couldn't say it out loud she looked at Jess and wondered if maybe he was trying to get rid of her. "Do you want me to leave?"  
  
"No." He responded without thinking and so quickly that it sent a bolt of electricity through Rory. It was stronger than any coffee and any kiss she ever had.  
  
"Do you want to leave?"  
  
"No."  
  
Rory started eating again. Jess leaned in with both elbows on the table and watched. The air was different. By admitting they both wanted to be there, to be together, just sitting there was better somehow. Comfortable. Jess was happy she was letting him take care of her. Rory was happy Jess hadn't said anything fake about her grandpa, hadn't made her talk about something she desperately wanted to forget.  
  
"Do you want me to refill the coffee?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"So you keep saying." Rory looked up when he said that. He could see through her and she knew it. When Rory said "fine," Jess knew she was really saying she was anything but. No one says "fine" and means it. Rory felt tears coming and swallowed hard. She didn't want to cry in front of him.  
  
"Are you sure about the coffee?"  
  
"Yeah." Rory struggled with tears that wanted to come.  
  
"Please let me get you coffee. I need to do something besides sit here like a moron."  
  
Jess was staring at her left hand lying palm-down on the table. The other was over her eyes, and Jess knew she was trying to hide herself from him. The hand on the table was so slender and delicate with her tiny little wrist. She was pressing down on the table, he could see the effort and stress in her hand. Rory was in pain and he felt feeble not being able to do anything about it. Not knowing what else to do he reached out and took it in his hand. Rory let out a sob and cried harder.  
  
If I don't do the right thing now I will lose her forever, Jess thought.  
  
Her hands were cold and soft against Jess' rough skin. Slowly he intertwined his fingers with hers and started rubbing circles on her palm. He decided to go on instinct. Still holding her hand in his Jess stood and walked over to her side of the table. She was still crying. She couldn't stop and she was hiding her face with her hands. She was too exposed, too weak..  
  
He pulled her up in an embrace. And held her to him whispering in her ear sweet things. They stumbled to his bed and fell upon it. Rory was still crying but she felt better with his arms around her. When he withdrew for a moment to adjust her on the bed she felt so alone until a few moments later and she felt him again. Jess was rubbing her back and holding her against him.  
  
"You know I woke up this morning thinking today was going to be a good day. I mean its Saturday and no school, and I thought all I had to do was work for half a day in the diner and then I could whatever I wanted."  
  
Jess was very aware that they were lying on the bed like lovers do. Jess was laying flat on his back slightly propped up by a pillow and Rory was tucked in against him. His right arm was wrapped around her rubbing her back and feeling her soft hair. His left hand was still holding her hand. He noticed she was not crying as hard so he continued.  
  
"But ever since I found out what happened, I have been completely miserable."  
  
"Who told you?" Rory's voice was uneven and muffled.  
  
"Babette and Miss Patty. I was reading in the diner and it was around eleven. And they came in and told Luke. Suddenly my whole world is thrown off. I actually felt a physical pain in my chest. I couldn't stand that this happened to you." Jess' voice was hoarse and he was suddenly overcome with emotion. "I.have been going crazy thinking about what you must be going through. And I know it must be rough." Rory was drinking in every word. Every sentence. Letting it sink in flow within her.  
  
"I am so glad that you found me." Jess smiled at her words. It was exactly what he wanted, needed to hear from her. Something so small meant so much to him.  
  
"I saw you on the bridge just sitting there and I thought it best not to disturb. Then I walked around a bit smoking and thinking. I circled back and you were still there. Went back to the diner and tried to read and I couldn't focus so I went back and you were lying down. Then it started snowing and you didn't move and then I smoked some more and had an inner debate on what to do. Then I decided you were gonna freeze to death or catch pneumonia if I didn't wake you up."  
  
"I wasn't asleep. I just kind zoned out for a while." Jess held her tighter and Rory shifted so she could put her head on his chest. She decided then that she didn't care about Dean or her mom or Luke or Shane for that matter. Jess was making her feel better, easing her pain. That can't be bad can it?  
  
"Can I stay the night?" Rory closed her eyes waiting for Jess' response.  
  
"Only if you promise not to take advantage of me." Rory laughed softly. Hearing her giggle Jess felt something stirring within him but he only said, "Hey, you smiled."  
  
Jess sat up so he was looking down at Rory who was still smiling from his playful joke. He brushed some hair out of her face and felt the familiar urge to kiss her and crush her tiny firm but soft body to him. Jess knew he could make her feel good in a million ways. He wanted desperately for her to let him. He had felt this many times before with Rory and with other women but this time the urge was stronger and more intimate.  
  
"Is that a yes?"  
  
"Yes." Jess resisted and reclined back down and felt Rory put her head against his chest.  
  
He wanted her. That was simple.  
  
He wanted her since he first saw her. She has a boyfriend. He didn't care. She kissed him then rejected him. He didn't care. She ran away for a few months so she wouldn't have to deal with him. He still didn't care. He has a quasi-girlfriend. Doesn't matter, he still wanted her. Jess realized at that exact moment that it wasn't just want; it was love. If it was just want, he would have acted on it. He would have kissed her like he wanted to, tasted her inside and out. Instead Jess resisted because he knew it would be hollow. He knew that it would be taking advantage of her. In the morning, he thought bitterly, she would be gone and everything will go back to before. 


	4. soothe me

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters so don't sue me cause I have no money.  
  
Author's Note: I am trying to let everyone review, but I am not sure how...like I said this is my first fic. Trust me, I want to know what everyone thinks of my story good and bad. I will try to figure this out by the next chapter. Keep reading and keep reviewing.  
"Why don't you sleep?"  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why not."  
  
"Because.....I....um.....just can't ok."  
  
"Bad dreams."  
  
"A bad dream."  
  
"Tell me about it." Silence. "You don't have to. I don't want to force-"  
  
"No I want to tell you. Tell me what you think. I had this last night but I don't really remember any details."  
  
"Ok I am all ears."  
  
Rory's voice was shaky at first but then steady, "I was walking in Chilton with Paris next to me like on a normal school day. And she was talking, but I don't remember what about, so we are walking in the halls and there are students everywhere. Then I see my grandpa lying on the floor like......like when......" Rory couldn't say it and she felt Jess rub her back slowly and then she continued tears forming in her eyes. "Like when he had the stroke, that was how he was lying there, like he had the stroke at Chilton instead. Not moving or anything. I try to get to him to.......help him but I can't." The tears were flowing freely and Rory's breath was becoming uneven. Jess started to think he shouldn't have made her talk about the dream. "All the students keep cutting me off and no matter how many steps I take, I don't get any closer and he is still lying there with students stepping over him and nobody even notices and I can't get to him and he is just lying there and I......." Rory is really sobbing now and Jess holds her closer and whispers in her ear.  
  
"Shh. It's ok. Everything is alright. Stop crying. Shh."  
  
"No everything is not alright! Everything is not ok!" Rory shouted and pulled away from Jess and sat up suddenly. Jess was startled. Rory was flipping out and he had never seen her like this. "My grandpa is DEAD! He is never coming back. I am never going to see him or hear his voice every again!" She covered her face with her hands kneeling on the bed and turned away from Jess. He reached for her and she flinched. Jess suddenly knew what this was all about. He understood the dream.  
  
"Rory this is not your fault. Your grandfather had a stroke. You couldn't save him." Jess sat up on the bed as he spoke slowly to her. His voice was even and steady. She stood up still crying and still covering her face. She was breathing so heavily that it reminded Jess of the time he watched the skinny kid from his apartment building have an asthma attack while they were playing basketball in third grade.  
  
"We were walking to the dining room.....from the library and he just collapsed right there. I.....I mean I thought he tripped or something. I didn't understand what was happening.....I......I didn't know what to do." Jess moved off the bed slowly listening to her.  
  
"How could you Rory? The guy just falls down. It could have been a million things." He was walking slowly toward her. She wasn't looking at him. Rory was staring off at the image of her grandpa on the floor still fresh in her memory. She could see him there, lying on the floor in Jess' room.  
  
"Mom and grandma weren't even there. Mom was stuck in traffic and grandma was at some committee meeting. It was just me and HIM and the maid and she barely spoke English."  
  
Jess reached for her then and she swatted his hand away and he reached again and circled his arms around her. She was backed against the door of his closet and she struggled weakly against him sobbing. Finally Jess was able to hold her and he felt her body shaking against his. She fell limp in his arms and for the second time that night she sobbed in his shirt and in his arms.  
  
"I would do anything to trade places with you at this moment......anything to take the pain away," Jess' voice was loud and filled with emotion. "But I can't. It's not possible. This is life and it is messy and hard and painful but if you just get through the rough parts, like now, then....then.....you get to good parts." Jess lifted her up a bit and half carried and half dragged her to his bed. He tucked her in gently. She had calmed a bit and her breaths were even. She still had her arms around his neck and he looked her in the eye.  
  
They looked at each other then and something was shared between them.  
  
They were both so vulnerable, their walls down and their hearts so bared and neither was used to it. Jess had never been so open with anyone in his whole life. He let this girl into his heart, all in less than a few hours. He came from a place where you keep to yourself and keep your walls up. Jess learned at a young age that if you let anyone in, if you depend on someone then it only ends in more pain. It was harder for him. Rory could never understand, he thought. She could never understand him.  
  
They were so close. Their foreheads almost touching.  
  
"Jess I have never felt this bad before. I know you must think I am a baby or-" Rory struggled as she spoke slowly and shakily, barely above a whisper.  
  
"Rory I don't think that at all." Rory nodded and smiled a sad smile as the tears kept falling.  
  
"You would think that a person would run out of tears. Apparently not."  
  
"They will stop eventually." Jess tentatively brushed away the tears with his thumb. Her blues eyes seemed brightened from the crying and Jess couldn't help himself.  
  
Her lips were softer then he remembered.  
  
All his blood froze in his veins. His heart was pounding in his chest and he pulled back ashamed of the line he crossed. Rory felt his lips leave hers as quickly as they descended. Then she felt them on her forehead and when she opened her eyes Jess was already across the room.  
  
"What book do you want?" Jess swallowed audibly and clenched both his fists.  
  
"Book?" Rory was confused, in a daze. She felt like she was waking up and she wasn't sure if it was real or not.  
  
"To read to you."  
  
"You're gonna read to me?"  
  
"I just thought it could help put you to sleep. If you'd rather-"  
  
"No.....I want you to read to me." For the first time that night Rory noticed how Jess' t-shirt and long-sleeve shirt underneath accentuated his body nicely with his pants hanging low on his hips. How his brown hair was kinda sticking up in all directions and Rory thought it was cute. Jess turned away from her and was looking at more books. Rory sat up and bed and unzipped the sweatshirt and threw it to the ground.  
  
Jess heard the unzipping of clothes but dared not to turn around. It was just a sweatshirt he told himself, not like she was doing a strip-tease. Then his mind started think of Rory stripping and he stifled a groan. Looking at books and skimming over titles he was remembering how she tasted, thinking how right before he landed on her soft lips he could feel her breath warm on his mouth.  
  
"Nothing about Death or strokes." Jess wasn't stupid. How insensitive did she think he was? "And nothing with love." Jess froze.  
  
"No love?" He hadn't meant to say it out loud. But Jess was confused. Was she saying she loved him or didn't love him?  
  
Rory chose her words carefully. "Since I am having to deal with the agony and ecstasy of such heavy subject matter such as Love and Death right now, don't you think the book that eases me into tranquility should be without said heavy subject matter." A little wordy Rory thought, but she hoped she got her point across.  
  
"How about Moby Dick?" The word "ecstasy" was still ringing in his ears.  
  
"Classic."  
  
"No whale hunting traumas or obsessions?" Jess was trying to keep things light, to keep the banter up. Problem was he loved her wit as much as everything else.  
  
"No but I'm still young."  
  
After some internal deliberation, Jess walked over to the bed and got in next to her. The tension was thick but both chose to ignore it. Rory curled up next to him like she was before and he began reading.  
  
Jess' voice was soothing on her nerves. He still couldn't believe this was happening. Rory's body was right next to his, and he felt electricity wherever they were touching. The book was a poor distraction from her, but it seemed to be working on putting her to sleep. He could feel her struggle with it. Her body still tense and then relax and giving in the human need to sleep. Jess doubted if he would sleep that night, even if he was reading Melville which always bored him. His body was too awake, still burning from kissing her and very aware of her now sleeping form next to him. 


	5. wake me

Pairing: Rory/Jess  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters of mine and I admit that so don't sue me.  
  
Author's Note: If anyone, when they review, wants to tell me how to let everyone review and not just signed in people that would be great because I haven't been able to figure that out and I feel like a complete asshole here. Anyways here is the next chapter..I hope you enjoy.  
Jess didn't fall asleep until a few hours after Rory. Once she fell asleep he felt compelled to watch her, memorize her face. Jess watched her body rise and fall even with her breathing. Just by looking at her Jess was fascinated, completely taken in for hours.  
  
Twice he felt Rory gripping his hand tightly then shift on the bed and heard her whimper in pain. Jess instinctively held her closer and whispered sweet inconsequential things in her ear. Telling her it was ok, that she was safe and on the second time that he loved her.  
  
He hadn't meant to say it. But it felt good when he did.  
  
Jess was scared. He had never loved anyone before and he never said "I love you" to a girl and meant it. The two times he had said it didn't really count anyway. Both times were during sex. One time he was tripping on ecstasy.....The other time the girl, whose name Jess couldn't remember, said it to him completely drunk and he felt obligated to say it back since he was.inside of her at the time.  
  
Jess closed his eyes and thought about all those girls and thought about Rory. How he would never deserve her, and she would never accept his past if he ever worked up the courage to tell her about it. He tried to console himself by saying they were too different..it would never work out anyway. But Jess knew that was bullshit even as he was telling himself that. He loved her, he wanted and needed her.....how ironic after being so proud to not need anyone.  
  
He opened his eyes when he heard a noise and saw a very disgruntled form standing above him. Jess didn't move. He couldn't out of fear of waking Rory. She needed all the sleep she could get.  
  
Luke was prepared to see a lot of things after being away for a night, but not that.  
  
He stood a few feet away from Jess' bed looking down at the two teenagers. Jess was lying on his back. His face was tilted towards Rory and his right arm was wrapped around her with his hand resting on her back. Rory was lying on her side toward Jess and her right arm rested on his chest holding his left hand.  
  
Luke noticed then that Jess was awake and looking up at him. Jess glanced at Rory sleeping next to him and then back at Luke. He lifted his head a little in an attempt to get up, but Luke motioned with his hands for Jess to remain where he was. He turned and walked out of the apartment to open the diner below.  
  
Thirty minutes after Luke left, Jess slowly detangled himself away from Rory. He went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth and went back to his room to make sure she was still asleep and undisturbed. Which she was.  
  
One time Shane fell asleep in his bed after they had sex. It was the middle of the day during the end of summer and Luke went to Hartford but Jess couldn't remember why. That was the only reason Jess let her sleep, because there was no chance of Luke coming up and finding them. She wasn't completely naked Jess remembered; she had on her bra and underwear. Jess had grabbed a book, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and read on the couch while Shane slept in his bed. When she got up about two hours later, she dressed and left quickly fearing being late for work. Jess knew they had said something to each other but couldn't remember what exactly.  
  
Looking at Rory, there was no comparison. Illusion filled his head and he turned away sharply. He felt guilty looking at her while she was sleeping; imaging all the things he wished he could do for her, to her. He walked out of the apartment and shut the door softly.  
  
Luke was in the storeroom, unloading the foods he knew he would use today. He heard Jess come in but didn't say anything. He waited for Jess to speak first.  
  
"Whatever you are thinking, don't worry. Nothing happened alright."  
  
"The "nothing" being Rory in your bed wearing your clothes while you two were....."  
  
"What? What were we doing?"  
  
"You were lying there like you two had just....." Again Luke couldn't finish. He didn't want his mind to think of Rory in that light.  
  
"Just what? Tell me what you think I did to her?"  
  
"You know what I think happened."  
  
"I told you nothing happened. Last night I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk and she was outside just sitting there letting the snow hit her and not moving. She was freaked out about her grandfather dying. I bring her here to give her coffee and to get her into clothes that aren't soaking wet. It was late and we fell asleep. That's all."  
  
"You must think I am some sort of an idiot. You expect me to believe that is all that happened, Jess." Luke stared at him in disbelief.  
  
"You don't believe me. Fine. Believe what you want."  
  
"What about Lorelai? Does she know that as of 5:30 this morning, her daughter is sleeping in your bed?" Luke was almost to the point of yelling.  
  
"She was in Hartford last night with Rory's grandmother. So no, she doesn't know that Rory is here."  
  
"What about Dean? Does he know that Rory is here? Or how bout Shane for that matter?"  
  
"Aw geez."  
  
"Just trying to clarify things, Jess."  
  
Jess lost his temper at this and started to yell, "I know Rory is with Dean. It's kind of burned in my skin, if you know what I'm saying, and I know you do. And Shane is....it is not even an issue with her. I have already explained the basis of the relationship. Look, this is a simple situation. Rory was upset. I am the guy who just happened to be there. This I know, so get off my back about it.  
  
"Rory has gotta be out of her mind with grief right now. She doesn't even know what she is doing."  
  
"I told you I know. So just drop it, already. When she gets up I'll sneak her out the back door and she will go back to her perfect, quiet life."  
  
"It's not perfect anymore, Jess." Jess ignored his last statement.  
  
"I am going to let her sleep until she wakes or until Lorelai calls. I will be back down in few minutes and help you open up and with the first shift. I'm just going to go change." He turned and walked out of the storage room leaving Luke alone and fuming.  
  
Luke didn't know what to say. Words and communication was never his strong suit. He sat down on one of the boxes and put his head in his hands. He tried to think clearly. Jess was letting himself get used by Rory. He hadn't harmed Rory. In the end Rory will do more damage to Jess, although she won't be aware of it and had no intention of doing so. Luke understood the situation because he was living it. He felt sorrow for Jess. He was taking anything he could get from the girl he loved, knowing that she belonged to somebody else.  
Rory was being pulled out of a good dream by a ringing noise. She wanted the ringing to stop. She was so comfortable and could sleep for a few more hours. Realization hit her. Her cell phone was ringing.  
  
"Hello." It was her mom. Rory glanced at the clock and panicked when it read 10:17 am. She knew she had a lot of explaining to do.  
  
"I'm at Luke's.not eating.......I'm fine.......well it's a long story......in the apartment upstairs......well I sorta spent the night here last night......I am sorry I didn't tell you but I didn't plan on it.well Luke wasn't here exactly......yes with Jess.......perfect gentlemen.......I couldn't sleep and I went for a walk and I sorta freaked out and it was snowing and I was cold and shaking and Jess found me.......no....yeah.....we fell asleep ..........I needed to change out of my clothes because they were soaking wet and he gave me coffee and soup and we-. ........well what else do you want me to say.......ok I'll come home.......it will take me a while to change and stuff. .....yeah......I guess .fine. ....bye."  
  
Rory didn't want to lie to her mom about Jess. He had been there for her, given her clothes and shelter. Lying would be a betrayal to Jess, she thought, and she already lied about him enough. Now she was going to be honest, she told herself. She was sitting in his bed then. She told her mom she would come home and yet she did not move.  
  
Rory didn't want to leave.  
  
Her mom's call reminded Rory of all of her obligations. Of her dead grandpa. Suddenly Rory felt guilt and shame for having such a good night's rest. For a few moments forgetting that he was dead. That he would never be again. No she did not want to leave Jess' bed.  
  
Then Rory began to think about the funeral and the wake. She had never been to either before, ever. Of course, she had read about them and seen them in movies and always cried at those scenes. Full of sadness for the character's death, and the pain of the living characters. But that was fiction. Now she was living it. It was at that moment that Rory realized that things would never be the same for her.  
  
This wasn't just her grandpa's death; this was her introduction to reality.  
  
Rory got up and went to the bathroom, used the scope, came back and still did not want to leave. She thought more about her grandpa and then what she would say to Jess. She grabbed the Doose's bag that carried her clothes and went back to the bed and sat down. Her clothes were folded neatly in the bag.  
  
Rory came to the conclusion that Jess must have folded them when he got up. Rory touched her shirt lightly. A wave of tenderness spread through her body. She pictured Jess gathering her things and folding them silently, so not to disturb her from her sleep. It was things like this that made her doubt Dean, her mom, and herself completely.  
  
Still not wanting to leave, she looked at the books lying on his nightstand. They were all so familiar. Faulkner, Rushdie, Joyce, Morrison, O'Neil, and McMurtry. She picked up Light in August and thumbed through it. Rory had read As I Lay Dying and thought William Faulkner to be too dark for her tastes. How ironic, she thought absently.  
  
She came to what she thought was a bookmark, but soon realized it was not. It had her name on it. It was four pieces of paper folded and very clearly it said "Rory" on the top. She looked around the room nervously. Carefully she took the folded pieces of paper out and held it in her hands. Her name was carelessly written, as if he was in a hurry she thought.  
  
She knew she shouldn't open it, but it had her name on it. It was too tempting. She unfolded it slowly, agonizingly slowly. Her heart was racing and she felt her blood heating in her veins. She read:  
  
Rory, In this brief, quiet moment to myself there is a longing that threatens to split me in two. It is greater than yesterday or any day ever before. The image of you radiant and exquisitely beautiful, intoxicating me with your mere presence invades my mind, destroying all rational thought. There is a torrent of emotions that I keep concealed so that we can play this charade, but I..  
  
Suddenly the door opened and Jess walked in, his eyes fixed on Rory on his bed sitting up. Reading the letter, his letter to her. He stopped walking when full realization hit him and his blood froze.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Hi." 


	6. look at me

Pairing: Rory/ Jess  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I have no money so don't sue.  
  
Author's Note: I am having trouble posting in the format I want it to be in. I am uploading from Word but it doesn't seemed to be working. I had Jess' letter in italics and I bolded some words...but none of that transferred over. If anyone wants to tell me what I am doing wrong that would be great. And now I am letting everyone review so tell me what you think....  
Rory's throat was dry, and she couldn't find words for speaking. She tore her eyes away from his and folded the letter back up. Her blood was flowing too fast and she was dizzy on his words. Rory was grateful she was sitting down.  
  
Jess didn't say anything. He walked slowly toward her, until he was in his room and he stopped. He couldn't breathe. She had found his letter and read it. Everything he had written in it flashed across his mind at an instant.  
  
"How much did you read?" He spoke calmly and slowly.  
  
"Only the first few lines." She raised her head to meet him and Jess nodded.  
  
"You went through my stuff."  
  
"I was just looking at your books. I wasn't snooping or anything."  
  
"I have been coming up here every half hour checking on you, to see if you were awake." He was talking faster now, desperate for a change of subject.  
  
"I wish I could finish it."  
  
"I figured since you didn't get much sleep the night before, it would be best to let you rest." Jess was evasive. He felt completely humiliated.  
  
"What I have read.it was.so beautiful." Rory noticed his jaw muscles tighten.  
  
"Yeah?" Rory sifted through her memories of Jess and recognized the look on his face. She had seen it once before. It was the look he gave her after she kissed him. He was struggling for words, emotions overwhelming him, and he was vulnerable. Jess made a point to never be vulnerable to anyone.  
  
"Yeah." Rory really did think it was beautiful, and more. She wanted to finish it.... that instant. Jess, on the other hand, didn't know what to do. So instead he said nothing, and looked at her.  
  
She was sitting on the edge of his bed and the light was pouring in behind her, brightening all her features and giving her hair a glow that made Jess wonder if maybe he was imagining it. Her blue eyes were brighter and clearer than ever and the circles were gone from underneath them. The sleep had done her good. Her hair was disheveled and careless, which Jess found very sexy in a way he couldn't describe. She was wearing his clothes, sitting up in his bed holding the letter in her small hands. Her lips were pink and perfect and pouty.  
  
He knew he would keep this image of her for the rest of his life.  
  
"When did you-" A million questions ran through Rory's mind about the letter but she chose when. Jess already knew what questions were coming though, and he cut her off with his answer.  
  
"Yesterday. Right after I found out about your grandfather. I never thought you would actually read it."  
  
"Can I finish it?" Rory was worried that he might take it away from her. Unknowingly, she clutched the letter tighter in her hands.  
  
"Okay.sure.just not now. Later when you are back home not right in front of me. And.um.keep in mind that I wrote that really quickly, without really thinking."  
  
"I will." Rory stood and smiled at him, remembering that her mom was waiting.  
  
"Are you going to go home now?" Jess didn't want Rory to leave. He wanted her near him......always.  
  
"My mom called earlier. That is the only reason I am up actually." Rory stood in front of Jess feeling very aware of their proximity.  
  
"Was she mad?"  
  
"I don't think she has the energy to be mad right now. She sounded more concerned than anything." Jess nodded and Rory continued, "I told her I would be home soon and that was a while ago. So I should."  
  
"Go." He finished her thought for her. Rory walked out of the room and Jess walked behind her. She held the Doose's bag in her hand and put the letter in the pocket of the sweatshirt she was wearing.  
  
"Follow me and I will sneak you out the back so no one sees you." Jess thought that him sneaking her out was a given. That she expected that.  
  
"I can go out the front." Rory stopped walking.  
  
"Are you sure? You ARE wearing my clothes; everyone will talk." Jess was surprised at her willingness to be seen. He smirked at her, realizing the meaning behind her decision. She wasn't ashamed of him.  
  
"People always talk. Let them think what they want." Rory raised her chin in determination.  
  
"As you wish." Rory remembered something from a movie. Whenever the hero said 'As you wish' to the heroine it really meant 'I love you'. Was that what Jess was saying to her? Then Rory expelled the thought from her mind. She was being a child thinking Jess was sending her secret messages through movie quotes.  
  
"Jess I uh.I really want you to thank you for everything. I am so grateful. You were-"  
  
"It's okay. No biggie." Jess didn't like the idea of Rory thanking him for something he would've begged to do. Something he dreamed about doing.  
  
"I think it is a big deal. You were so great, and especially after the way I treated you...." Rory was embarrassed on how she treated him. She didn't want to think of that.  
  
"You're welcome." His voice was soft, betraying the emotions eating him alive. Rory didn't want to leave now but she had to. There was so much she had to deal with before Jess. She knew she had to do something, something to let him know that she wants him....needs him. Then a daring thought crossed her mind.  
  
For a second Jess thought he imagined it.  
  
Her arms went around his neck and she buried her face into his shirt, on his chest. She felt his arms go around her waist and she leaned in more. His grip tightened. Jess kissed the top of her head tenderly and inhaled her scent. He wasn't thinking straight, Rory was pressed up against him. He could feel her soft curves, her firm body. He closed his eyes and ran his hands up and down her back sending bolts of electricity through Rory. She kissed his cheek lightly and pulled away.  
  
Rory stepped back away from him and brought her hand over her face. Her cheeks were burning, she could feel it. Jess was thankful that she reached out for him. It gave him hope that maybe she wanted him a fraction of how much he wanted her.  
  
"I'll be back Jess." Rory was fingering the letter in her pocket. It gave her reassurance and comfort. She turned and opened the door. "I promise." She was about to step through it when she heard his voice and it paralyzed her.  
  
"I'll be waiting." Jess watched her pause taking in his words. She then shut the door and left. He stood there for a moment, staring at the closed door. He walked back to his bed in a daze.  
  
He clenched his fist when he first felt the bed beneath him because he was remembering the feel of her lying next to him on the same bed only hours before. As a distraction he tried to imagine the look on everyone's face when Rory came down the stairs in his clothes. He wondered if she just walked out or if she stopped and said hi to the people she knew.  
  
Then his thoughts returned to his letter. What she would think of his letter. She said she thought it was "beautiful." No one, in Jess' whole life, had ever described him or anything that was directly related to him as beautiful. And she had said it like she meant it, Jess thought. The thought was too incredulous for him to comprehend. He rationalized that the only reason the letter might hold any beauty at all, was because it was written for Rory and with Rory as the subject.  
  
He felt sleep coming and without lifting a finger he kicked his shoes off. He awaited the moment that it would come and the peace would take over him. The last thing he thought before he slipped into his dreams was the softness of Rory's lips on his cheek. 


	7. talk to me

Pairing: Rory/Jess  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but I do own the words and ideas.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. This chapter focuses more on the relationship of Lorelai and Rory, and Lorelai's reaction to Rory's growing closeness with Jess.  
  
Lorelai was lying on her daughter's bed waiting for her to come home. After an exhausting evening of tears and fights with her mother, she came home to an empty house. She had never felt so alone in her entire life.....not even when she was pregnant at 16....not even when she ran away from home with an infant at 17. In all those times she somehow knew she would land on her feet, yes she was scared but she trusted that the powers that be would take care of her. Lorelai did not trust anything anymore. Her father was dead. And he never forgave her......  
  
There were so many emotions she was feeling at that moment waiting for her daughter, her best friend. Anger. Guilt. Sadness. Compassion. Love. Hurt. Pain. Rivers of pain that flowed through her like love and sarcasm used to. She heard the door open and heard Rory call for her. Now was time to be a mother, she told herself.  
  
"In here."  
  
"Hey." Rory stood in the doorway unsure of what to do. She couldn't tell if her mom was angry or disappointed or anything.  
  
"So.how was it?" Lorelai purposefully kept her voice light.  
  
"How was what?"  
  
"Jess. The night you spent with Jess. How was it?" Lorelai's voice had no trace of anger. It was like any normal day that they were discussing about boys. Rory was confused.  
  
"Okay, I guess. How was grandma?" Rory walked in her room and sat down on the bed.  
  
"Terrible. There were tears and fights and apologies and screaming beyond anything your virgin mind could fathom." Lorelai made no move to get up. She liked the bed and she was too tired to move.  
  
"I'm sorry for not being there." There were tears in Rory's voice. She was truly sorry. Her mom and her grandma had been grieving and fighting and she had been in the arms of Jess. She felt like she betrayed her mom or something. She knew she had.  
  
"You are still a virgin aren't you?" Lorelai felt her witty and sarcastic self coming back to her. Like a mask she needed to wear then she put it on. She knew her daughter was sincerely sorry and she didn't feel like crying anymore.  
  
"Mom!"  
  
"Sorry, I just wanted to make sure." Pause. "So are you?"  
  
"Oh my God! Yes I am still a virgin. Happy?"  
  
"Very." Rory moved to lie next to her mother. They both stared at the ceiling as the talked. "So give me the details."  
  
"I told you nothing happened." The tears were gone from Rory's voice. Lorelai's plan to get away from the sadness was working. But it was still there, all the pain and sadness in the back of their minds waiting to be released.  
  
"I know. I just want you tell me the specifics."  
  
"It's a long story."  
  
"Rory you don't really think that the usual 'it's a long story' line is going to work with me? I used that line like it was an art for when I was pregnant with you."  
  
"I am talking-new Harry Potter installment-long."  
  
"Good because after a night of cathartic hell with my mother I could use a gigantic dose of Hogwartz."  
  
"But.."  
  
"Rory, it's better than talking about the alternative." Lorlai didn't have to say what that alternative was. They both knew without naming it.  
  
"How bout you tell me about grandma's and I will tell you about last night." Rory didn't want to go through the evening right now with her mom. It was all still sinking in for her. She wanted to hear about her grandma and her mom. She wanted to cry and grieve with her mother like they did in the movies she saw and the books she read. Rory felt like she wasn't doing it right, the grieving process.  
  
"There is nothing to tell. Nothing you want to know. I have a lot of issues with my parents. This you know. Last night, everything exploded. It was painful but it was needed." Lorelai fought to keep her voice even.  
  
"So how did you leave it?" Rory didn't correct her mom when she said "have" in the present tense when talking about her parents, because now Lorelai only had one parent. Rory usually hated when her mom would talk about the issues caused by her existence. It made Rory feel sad. But now she wanted to hear it, wanted to feel pain, it was better than the numbness she felt on the bridge. Rory shivered thinking about her state of mind on the bridge.  
  
"Well, it was bad for a while......real bad, but after getting everything out in the open it....wasn't so bad. When I left this morning I told her I loved her, and she said it back." Tears fell from both of their faces. Lorelai was tired of crying and she wished her daughter hadn't made her talk about it.  
  
"That's good right, I mean that you both said that." Rory was desperate to see some good, any good at all.  
  
"Better late than never I guess." They both let it sink in tears falling. They said nothing more but both were thinking the same thing. That although Lorelai finally had reached some peaceful grounds with her mother, her father died never fully forgiving her. She would never get that peace of mind. Rory knew it. So did Lorelai. It hurt both of them to think of it. Lorelai wanted desperately to stop thinking about it. Her shattered heart couldn't take anymore.  
  
"It's your turn Rory." Lorelai wiped away tears as she spoke.  
  
"What?" Rory didn't know what her mother was talking about. She was still thinking about having parents that never said 'I love you.'  
  
"I told you about last night with grandma, now you tell me about Jess. Deal's a deal."  
  
"But you aren't going to like what you hear." Rory didn't want to upset her mom more than she already was. Maybe they should watch TV or something, Rory thought.  
  
"I think I will. It will be a nice distraction to talk about regular stuff like boys. So shoot." Lorelai wanted desperately to be distracted. Jess was an issue so trivial compared to everything else that it would be actually nice to hear about it. She noticed Rory did not start talking so she added, "And, since I exhausted all my anger and resentment last night, I will not have the energy to judge and hate Jess right now. So you might want to take advantage of this."  
  
"Well after you called.........."  
  
Rory told her mom everything about what happened. While she spoke her hand held the letter in her pocket. Her fingers traced over the markings that said her name over and over. She imagined Jess writing it to her hurriedly with passion. She imagined his head bent in concentration like when he was buttoning her up in his jacket. She imagined him folding it in a book without ever expecting her to read it.  
  
Her mother was right though, it did feel good to talk about it. Rory tried to explain to her mom the softness in his touch and the look in Jess' eyes, but she didn't think she did it right. She couldn't find the words that conveyed the emotions. Lorelai understood though, she could tell by her daughter's voice the impact the previous night had on her. Lorelai knew she couldn't fight the Jess issue anymore.  
  
Rory even told her mom about the letter but refused to let her read it. Rory had shown her mom notes about Dean, Lorelai pointed out. This time was different for Rory though. It was so personal, so powerful. Rory wanted to keep it all for herself, something between her and Jess only. Lorelai knew that Rory not showing her letter, not willing for her mother to know the details marked the beginning of something...something Lorelai had dreaded since Rory was born.  
  
Although Lorelai said nothing and would never admit to it, she was jealous of Jess. Jealous that he made her daughter feel better and she did not. As Rory's mom and Rory's best friend, she thought she should have been the one to comfort and console her when she cries and when she is in pain. But Lorelai hadn't been the one. Since the death of her father, they had barely said anything about it. They didn't know how.  
  
Lorelai and Rory didn't realize that people grieve very differently. Some, like Rory, want to be held and comforted, and some like Lorelai want to yell and scream and then have someone tell them they love them anyway. Although Lorelai would never admit it until years later, her mom saying those three words brought such comfort and peace that she never thought possible.....especially after such a terrible fight. All this Lorelai would realize much later though.  
  
"Is everything set about the funeral?" Rory asked when they were finished talking about her night with Jess.  
  
"Yes. It is going to be a spectacle. Your grandmother wants it to rivals Princess Di's funeral. I swear people in fifty countries will be having moments of silence for him."  
  
"I just want all this to be over," Rory said.  
  
"Me too. If we can just get past these next few days then we can get back to normal." But Rory didn't think anything would ever get back to normal. 


	8. Jess' letter to Rory

Pairing: Rory/Jess  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but I do own the idea and the words.  
  
Author's Note: I hadn't written the letter that Jess wrote to Rory....as you guys can imagine it was really difficult to write....but someone in a review said the story wouldn't be complete without it and that struck a nerve. So here it is....  
  
Rory,  
  
In this brief, quiet moment to myself there is a longing that threatens to split me in two. It is greater than yesterday or any day ever before. The image of you radiant and exquisitely beautiful, intoxicating me with your mere presence invades my mind, destroying all rational thought. There is a torrent of emotions that I keep concealed so that we can play this charade, but I feel as if I am losing. Losing you and losing my mind in the process.  
  
But I suppose I lost you months ago...  
  
I heard the news of your grandfather's death just a few minutes ago and I can think of little else. They say it was a stroke. They say that you were standing next to him. But these are the same people who talk in idleness to make their lives more exciting and gossip to fill that internal endless void, so perhaps what they are saying is false. I want the news to be false and for your world to remain perfect but....  
  
I want many things.  
  
I have never met your grandfather and yet his death causes much distress because I am fully aware of the hurt and pain it brings to you. To think of you in all your innocence and beauty being in the presence of something so dark and powerful is quite disturbing for me. What is it about innocence that makes someone as tainted and jaded as I am want, need to protect it?  
  
I suppose there are some who enjoy the process of corruption, and perhaps you thought or think that I am one of those people, but you would be wrong. I forever want your innocence, the blush in your cheeks, your laughter that plays like music, the love in your eyes to remain. Even if I am not the one you are blush, smiling, laughing, or looking at.  
  
The memory of the first time we met, do you even remember it, suddenly is in my thoughts...that is actually a lie; it is never away from my thoughts. My introduction to you and your world is burned in my memory and I wear it like a scar. It is a reminder of a foolish aspiration, to be yours and yours alone.  
  
I remember how easily you smiled at me when my eyes first fell on you. I know that sounds like nothing, but I come from a world and a place where no one smiles. That smile told me how different we were, but also how much I wanted you...how much I wanted that smile to be for me only.  
  
And your eyes....I could write pages and pages about them. Electrical Blue. That is what I call their color because that is what I felt when I first looked into them, a rush of electricity that left me weak and helpless. I remember all this with clarity because nothing like it has ever happened to me before and I doubt it will ever occur again.  
  
Even then, in that first instant I wanted you. Does that sound ridiculous or cheesy? It does to me.  
  
But my point, my original point, was that I want you forever to remain in that innocent light. To live in your perfect world filled with love and laughter and easy smiles that you give to dark strangers that they hold onto for their rest of their days. You belong there....in a world without pain and without death.  
  
But there are no such worlds.  
  
And even the genuinely good people must face the only truth in life, that we and all those we love are mortal and will die. A statement so simple and yet infinitely complex. People spend their entire lives denying this truth, but it is in vain. You will die. I will die. There is nothing earth shattering or depressing with these truths because these are things that I came to terms with long ago....you had to if you lived where I lived.  
  
But you, sweet Rory, have never lost someone you love, never felt your heart break in your chest and yet keep beating, never wanted to scream at the polite formalities of death... there are so many things that you have never done that I wish to protect you from but cannot. Although I have never asked or investigated this, I am sure of it. There is something in the eyes of those who have lost someone they have loved, a pain that exists in their hearts that can be seen.........something you do not have and I never wish you to have.  
  
This is why your grandfather's death is upsetting me to the point where I feel like throwing the chair I am sitting in out of the window and onto the street. Because you are, to me, everything that is all and good in life. Everything I want and will never have. And knowing that you are hurting at this very moment that I am writing this to you and being able to do nothing about it, causes an actual physical ache in my chest.  
  
I am aching for you.  
  
It feels empty writing this to you knowing that you will never read these words. Like I am at an amazing concert, but I don't know the words to any of the songs that are being played. It hurts wishing you were here next to me. Wishing I was holding you instead of this pen.  
  
But this was how you wanted it...I have to remind my self that sometimes, that you wanted it to be this way. That you wanted Dean and not me. I guess that is what this letter is really about and not your grandfather's death. The rejection is still fresh on my mind and seeing you daily with him, smiling that smile I would kill for with eyes dream about only fuels this endless longing that torments me. I guess it doesn't really matter now. In comparison to death, matters of the heart seem trivial and so juvenile.  
  
But even as I write that I know that to be false. Love, true love, is worth fighting for and worth dying for and is indeed the basis of all life. For what kind of person lives without loving anyone or anything? A person with no soul.  
  
I guess that means you have given me my soul, sweet Rory...for you have given me love. And even after you have rejected and humiliated me, I love you still. Your grandfather's death has only reinforced this fact, because I am unable to shake your grief from my thoughts.  
  
But this love is bittersweet because I love alone. I seem to do everything alone. But I can close my eyes and you are there, smiling with those blue eyes that break my heart. It will have to be enough.  
  
Jess 


	9. weep for me

Jess shifted uncomfortably in the wooden pew and glanced at his watch. Fifteen minutes till show time, thought. He was sitting in the back of the church by himself. The music playing softly in the background calmed his nerves a little but not much. He hated funerals. He thought they were awkward and bizarre in nature.  
  
But Jess came for Rory.  
  
He hadn't seen her since she left his apartment and he thought he might go crazy from wondering how she was doing. He read in the paper when and where the funeral for Mr. Gilmore would be. He searched the papers for it. He knew he wouldn't be able to really talk to her, but Jess wanted to look at her. To look her in those eyes that haunted his dreams and let her know he was there, still waiting.  
  
Jess got up early that morning intentionally to avoid Luke. He left a note saying he had stuff to do but would be back by 1 pm and would answer his questions then. He didn't care if Luke was going to be angry; this was going to be worth it.  
  
He even dressed nice and Jess hardly ever dressed for special events even if it was required. He only had one nice pair of pants and two nice button-down shirts. A black one and a white one. Jess decided that the black would be fitting for the occasion. He dressed silently and in the dark, careful not to wake Luke. He knew Luke would probably let him go, but Jess couldn't stand the thought of another "man to man chat" with Luke so he left around 5 am.  
  
With nothing to do for a few hours he went to a diner in Hartford that was open 24 hours and drank coffee and chain smoked. After sitting there about half an hour he asked the student hard at work studying in the next booth over if he could borrow a pen and some paper.  
  
He wrote more carefully this time.  
  
Every word was deliberate. He agonized over each sentence and every phrase. Jess didn't want to push her, or scare her but he also knew that there was a very good chance she might change her mind. She did it before and she might do it again.  
  
Jess wouldn't call it a love letter, because it wasn't. The word "love" was not written once. He intended for it to be a reminder to Rory that what happened between them was genuine. After wards he felt warmth inside him, knowing that she would read this. Thinking, hoping that it would comfort her and ease her pain. He sat there, alone in the diner thinking of her. Very content with doing just that.  
  
Ever since she left him, Jess couldn't stop thinking of Rory.  
  
He thought of Rory sitting innocently at the diner with her mom eating and drinking coffee. Of Rory smiling that easy smile at something someone said. Of Rory walking in her uniform carrying that enormous back-pack. Of Rory lying on the bridge limp with pain and sadness. Of Rory sleeping in his bed, in his arms. Of Rory sitting at the table crying. Of Rory sitting in his bed looking at him radiantly. Of her eyes. Of her electrical blue eyes that intoxicate him. It reminded him why he was there.  
  
He spent so much time dazed thinking about her that he came later to the church later than he intended. When he did arrive she was already sitting in the front pew with her family. Jess couldn't see her face but he could imagine.  
  
Jess couldn't remember the last time he had been inside a church. He shifted in his wooden pew uncomfortably. He was sitting by himself in the back. People were filing in the church, but Jess did not notice them. His eyes were focused on the back of a brunette head sitting in the front row. He couldn't see Rory's face but he could imagine.  
  
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Jess looked up at Luke who was wearing a suit in the aisle obviously surprised to see him. Shit, Jess thought.  
  
"Probably the same reason you are doing here."  
  
"Scoot over."  
  
"No way man, I like the aisle seat. You should have gotten here earlier." Jess made space and Luke walked in front of him and sat down next to Jess.  
  
"This church is nice." Luke decided to make small talk because he wasn't going to bring up why Jess was there or why he was there. Luke knew. Jess was grateful for Luke for not questioning him, and he looked around. It was beyond beautiful. Light pouring in from the intricately designed stained-glass windows, the high ceiling and magnificent organ playing a melancholy tune he couldn't place, the lavish golden altar and carved tile.  
  
At the front of the church, next to the closed casket were flowers of all colors. Jess had never seen so many flowers before except in a flower shop. Such beauty for such a sad occasion.  
  
"You could say that." Jess looked at Rory again, at the back of her head and wished she would turn around. Just a glance over her shoulder, not even at him at someone else would do just fine.if he could just see her.  
  
"It's pretty crowded too. Mr. Gilmore must have been a powerful and important man." Jess was going to respond a sarcastic reply when he heard a familiar voice.  
  
"Hello Mr. Danes." Mother-Fucker, Jess thought. Then it occurred to him that he probably shouldn't swear in church, even if it was to himself. Then meeting Dean's eyes again thought he was dammed anyway.  
  
"Hello Mrs. Kim, Lane, Dean." They each nodded their heads in reply. She stood in the aisle where Luke had just stood moments before. Next to her stood Lane and Dean. Jess concluded that they obviously came together for support of Rory but Mrs. Kim refused to let Lane go alone with Dean.  
  
Jess considered leaving right there. Nothing was going as was his plan. But then Jess remembered Rory and he decided to stay. The two boys stared hard at each other. Jess smirked knowing that there was no way Dean would win this little game. Jess came from a world Dean couldn't even imagine and being able to look someone in the eye was taught to him at a young age. Dean looked away to Rory sitting in the front row still not looking behind her, then back to Jess with anger in his eyes.  
  
"Have either of you talked to Lorelai or Rory?" Mrs. Kim was clutching her bag and Lane was mute beside her. Jess could tell Lane was sincerely upset for Rory. She was also looking toward the front pew.  
  
"No, when we got here they were already sitting in the front, and we thought best not to disturb." Luke answered quickly and Jess looked at his uncle curiously. Luke was making it seem like he and Jess came together so that heat would be taken away from Jess. It was surprising for Jess because he was not used to people doing nice things for him.  
  
"We will sit with you." It wasn't a question but a statement. Mrs. Kim took Lane by the hand and nudged her to walk in first so that she would sit on the edge, then Mrs. Kim sat and then Dean was forced to sit in between Luke and Mrs. Kim. Jess was just grateful he didn't have to look at him anymore; he could focus more on Rory.  
  
"Hey guys." Jesus Christ, Jess thought. Sookie and Jackson got in the pew behind them.  
  
"Have you been here long?" Sookie directed the question to Luke. The gang's all here, Jess thought to himself.  
  
"They just sat down and we got here probably ten minutes ago and none of us have talked to Lorelai or Rory." Luke hated small talk as much as Jess did. The difference was Luke was glad so many from Stars Hollow came to Mr. Gilmore's funeral. None of them cared about Mr. Gilmore or Mrs. Gilmore except how their lives affected Rory and Lorelai.  
  
A conversation about Mr. Gilmore and Lorelai and the church was started but Jess didn't listen. He looked straight ahead and said nothing. He had purposefully gotten up early to avoid this very situation. It was all blowing up in his face. All he could think about was how he would never be able to say something real to Rory with everyone around, and especially not give her the letter without everyone noticing.  
  
The music became louder and the voices ceased, and Jess closed his eyes when he recognized the song, "Amazing Grace." Jess wished he could say he hated it because it was so overused and cliché for funerals. But he didn't. It was just too fucking beautiful.  
  
8989898989898989999999999  
  
Jess stood along with everyone else in the congregation. It was finally over. He watched men in dark suits grab the handles of the coffin and carry it down the center aisle of the church. Because everyone was standing, he couldn't see in the front. He couldn't see Rory. Jess knew she was proceeding the casket and waited for the brief moment of eye- contact he had been anticipating for days.  
  
Who Jess assumed was Mrs. Gilmore was walking arm in arm with an elderly woman, and he could barely make out Rory's for behind them walking with her mom. He felt sweat on his forehead....he wanted to see her so badly. Then he saw her, leaning on her mom with tears falling from her face. He felt a stab of pain seeing her so upset and a rush of love because he had finally seen her. She was wearing a simple black dress that fell to her knees and black shoes. Jess examined her closely, and waited for her eyes to meet his.  
  
Rory saw Jess before she saw the others.  
  
He was looking right at her, compassion on his face. Then she saw Luke and Dean. Dean. His face was also sad, and Rory could tell he had been crying. Then Mrs. Kim and Lane. Then she saw Sookie and Jackson behind them. Rory knew that Mrs. Kim, Lane and Dean were coming because they had told her they would. And her mom mentioned that Sookie, Jackson, and Luke might be coming. But she didn't know Jess would be there. She hadn't prepared herself for that.  
  
She couldn't tear her eyes away from his.  
  
The only reason she kept walking forward was because her mom was nudging her along. Rory wanted to rush over and have him hold her. But Dean. Dean. She swallowed hard and looked at Dean then back at Jess. They were sitting in the same pew, she sighed thinking of the possible scenarios that could play out. She passed her friends and kept going. More strangers.  
  
She closed her eyes and saw Jess again. She looked over her shoulder, she couldn't help it.....just to make sure he was there and she hadn't imagined it. At first she couldn't find him and then she saw him again. He was still looking at her with the same expression on his face. She faced forward again. Satisfied that he was there. That he came for her. She kept walking, her mom leading her to the car that would take them to the cemetery.  
  
8989999999999999999999  
  
Lane was staring at a display of pictures of the late Mr. Gilmore. It was all so sad. That this man who meant something to all these people was dead. She was particularly interested in the picture of him with Rory. Rory was in her uniform sitting on a couch looking at her grandpa who seemed to be telling her something. He was looking at somewhere else, at someone not in the picture and he his hands were in the air emphasizing whatever he was saying. Rory was sitting next to him smiling at him.  
  
Lane swallowed hard thinking of Rory. She seemed so upset when she saw her walking with her mother down the center aisle following the casket. Tears were falling from her face but she walked like she didn't even know they were there. There was recognition on Rory's face when she saw her friends from Stars Hollow, Lane thought. Rory had smiled a sad smile at them.  
  
"Lane, hey." Lane looked up from the picture display in the church and up at Jess.  
  
"Hey, Jess." Lane disliked him. A lot. But she didn't have the energy for any bantering. She looked back at the picture of Rory with her grandfather.  
  
"So....you going to the thing at Rory's grandmother's house afterwards?" Jess knew which picture Lane was focusing on. He had seen it earlier when he first arrived at the church.  
  
"Yeah, with my mom and Dean." Jess nodded in understanding.  
  
"Will you give Rory something for me?" A big risk, but Jess needed to give it to her.  
  
"What?" Lane saw Jess take a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.  
  
"Will you give her this for me? I don't think it is such a good idea for me to go to her grandmother's." He handed it to Lane. "Please." Jess never said please. He never cared about being polite. But he was desperate; he really needed to give Rory that letter.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"What do you think? It's a letter." Lane looked up sharply and Jess looked away back at the picture.  
  
Understanding flooded Lane at once. There was something going on between Jess and Rory. She had heard rumors. Rumors of Rory spending the night with Jess when Luke was away. Of her leaving in Jess' clothes. Of stolen glances when Rory was sitting with Dean. Of Jess sneaking in Rory's bedroom in the middle of the night. Of Shane telling all her friends that her and Jess were over. Lane had always dismissed them as small town gossip, but now she wasn't so sure.  
  
She had seen Rory smile at her friends when she saw them, but now... remembering it clearly.....Rory was smiling at Jess. She had glanced at everyone else, looked them over......but she shared a look with Jess and that was when she smiled. Lane looked at Jess again.  
  
His guard was down. Jess waiting for Lane to say something. Lane knew there had to be something for Jess to come to her grandfather's funeral. Then Lane thought of Dean, he had to know too. He had to have heard the same rumors, seen the smile Rory gave Jess and not him.  
  
She looked down at the folded letter in her hands, and back at Jess. He was scared. Lane had never seen him scared or nervous, but then again she had never seen him ask someone for something until now.  
  
"Okay." 


	10. write to me

Pairing: Rory/Jess  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but these are my words.  
  
Author's Note: This chapter focuses on Rory dealing with her grandfather's death without Jess and the effects of that. It explores Lane and Rory's friendship and hints at what is going on between Rory and Dean. I put in a little Lane and Dean interaction, because I think that those two characters have the same relationship with Rory in this story. I hope you guys like it...please keep the reviews coming, good and bad cause I can take it.  
Rory was quiet. She tried to be polite and talk to everyone but found she couldn't. It was too hard to move her lips to form the words. Rory sat on the sofa with Lane and Dean on either side of her. She heard their voices, but they were far away and distant.  
  
She wanted to scream.  
  
She wanted to tear her hair out and throw the beautiful vases holding the beautiful flowers against the wall. Rory imagined the smash and the shattering of glass everywhere. She imagined the shock and appall on everyone's faces. Rory really wanted to.....she was forcing herself to remain still. To remain the proper grieving granddaughter. Somehow screaming and smashing things made more sense to Rory at that moment than sitting there, being so polite and cordial to everyone.  
  
Rory raised her eyes and looked at Mrs. Kim sitting across from them saying nothing. Mrs. Kim was staring at her. There was something in her eyes....something like understanding or pity. It was unnerving to Rory. Mrs. Kim was pitying her. So she is human, Rory thought.  
  
For some reason Mrs. Kim staring at her and saying nothing comforting as one would usually to a grieving relative, and yet giving Rory that look....it disturbed her. Rory could suddenly feel everyone's eyes on her, as if the entire room was watching her and whispering about her. At the same time Rory knew she was being ridiculous....but she met Mrs. Kim's eyes again and she had to look away.  
  
Rory saw her mom from across the room. She was talking to people Rory didn't recognize and their eyes met. Rory stood suddenly.  
  
"I see my mom. I'll be right back."  
  
Lane watched her friend go. She had watched Rory sit there like a zombie, barely moving and barely showing any emotion at all. Lane had tried to comfort her, tried to talk to her.....but Rory was so ......so closed off. Rory could talk to her mom, Lane noticed. They had always been close.  
  
She could talk to Jess too.  
  
Lane thought about the note still in her pocket. She hadn't given it to Rory yet. Yet. She looked at Dean sadly next to her. She could tell by his face that he was thinking the same things that she was.  
  
"We are not very good at this Dean."  
  
"No we are not."  
  
"At least she is not crying. That is good right."  
  
"I'd rather her cry than just sit there mute. Like we are not even here." Lane didn't say anything, but she agreed.  
  
"I am going to try and talk to her alone. I promise we won't be gone long." Dean nodded and sat there. He was angry, and he felt ridiculous. He watched Lane approach Rory and watched them exit the room. He sat there, his mind frozen on the look he caught Rory giving Jess an hour earlier.  
  
9898989898989898989898989898888888888888888888888888  
  
"This is the room I snuck into when my grandmother threw that disastrous birthday party for me." Rory had found some conversation in her after all. She didn't know what Lane wanted to talk about but she guessed about how she was feeling. That was what everyone wanted to know. How are you doing? Are you feeling okay? Can I get you something? Like there was anything to make her feel better, Rory thought.  
  
"It's nice." Lane glanced around the room. She had heard Rory tell that story before, and now she finally had an image to go with the story. But that wasn't why Lane wanted to speak to Rory alone.  
  
"Yeah, it is." Rory looked around and sighed.  
  
"Listen Rory we need to talk." Lane couldn't stand it anymore. She needed to ask Rory a million questions about Jess. She felt she had the right to know, and she was hurt Rory didn't confide in her earlier. Petty, maybe, but Lane had always felt that she needed Rory more than Rory needed her, and the current situation seemed only to reinforce those insecurities.  
  
"Okay." Rory wasn't in the mood to talk and she could tell by Lane's tone of voice that she was serious. It was her "I have a plan to sneak away and get more cd's" voice.  
  
"I spoke to Jess after the funeral." Rory opened her mouth to speak but couldn't find the words. She felt her throat go dry and she looked away. "He actually came up to me and asked me......to give you this." Lane handed the note to her. Rory held it with disbelief. The two girls walked to the bed and sat down. Rory was staring at the folded piece of paper in her hands......still unable to speak.  
  
"He asked you to give this to me?" Her voice was small, and on the verge of breaking. She ran her fingers over the folded piece of paper, just one, and over name which was carelessly written.  
  
"Yeah he even said 'please.' I could tell he had planned on coming here and giving it to you himself. But I guess, since I came with Dean and everything....he decided not to come." Rory's head looked up at Dean's name. She looked pleadingly at Lane with fear in her eyes. "Don't worry. I didn't read it and I didn't tell Dean anything." Lane resisted the urge to smile. She felt like a friend to Rory again, like a confidante.  
  
"Thank you." Rory looked Lane in the eyes. She was truly grateful and realized at that moment that Lane was a true friend.  
  
"No problem." Lane thought that Rory was looking at her and smiling because she wanted read the letter alone, but Lane wasn't ready to leave Rory yet. She liked being alone with Rory and in on the secret, even if Rory didn't really want her there. "You read the letter, don't mind me." Lane got up and walked to the other side of the room where a magnificent dollhouse was sitting on a table. She stared at the intricate dollhouse and thought of Rory and Jess and then of the types of people of who have dollhouses like that.  
  
Rory read the letter quickly. Short and sweet...so sweet. It was better than the first one. Better than anything she had ever read because this was for her.....Jess created those thoughts with the intention of her reading it. If there were any tears left, she would have cried then. But there weren't so she just stared at it and read it again.  
  
When she was finished reading she looked up and leaned back on the bed. She closed her eyes and felt that Jess was there now.......she couldn't help but smile. The effect of the letter was immediate. Color long absent came back to her and her face lit up.  
  
Lane glanced at Rory from across the room. She was literally glowing. Lane decided to not to press Rory about Jess. This wasn't about her; it was about Rory, she reminded herself. Jess made Rory happy when no one else could, that was all that matters. Lane decided she would try not to hate him.  
  
"So you and Jess huh?" Lane walked over to Rory on the bed and lied next to her. Both of them leaning against all the pillows.  
  
"Yeah. Me and Jess." Rory could have denied it. Could have lied and said it was an accident. But Rory chose not to, she was too filled with love for him at the moment. She sighed heavily.  
  
"If he makes you happy then that is all that matters."  
  
"I can't explain it Lane. He has been the only one in the last week that has been able to make me feel better. At all. I mean I was with him and he just held me and said all the right things. I knew it was wrong, being there with him alone, but it didn't feel wrong. It felt really good. Better than anything.......ever. Amazing. And now I know that I don't want to hide anymore and I don't want to pretend that there is nothing between us."  
  
"Rory I get it. You love him. You don't have to explain any further. You love Jess and not Dean."  
  
"I love Jess." Rory paused letting the words sink in. "Whoa, I have never said it before. Like out loud."  
  
"How does it feel?"  
  
"Good. Really good."  
  
"Then that is all that matters." 


	11. kiss me

Jess sat on the bridge thinking about her. Luke gave him a break and Jess went straight there. He needed the peace, the tranquil effect this place had on him. He closed his eyes and images of Rory filled his mind. Images of her in his bed wearing less and less each time he imagined it, smiling at him, saying his name, her trembling body pressed up against his. He pushed the thoughts from his mind and tried to remember Rory as she really was. Her innocence. It only made him want her more.  
  
He stared at the water.  
  
Doubts plagued him. Jess was not a believer in happy endings and it was hard for him to believe that Rory would choose him over Dean. He prepared himself for Rory telling him that it was a mistake. His mind remembered how she recoiled from him after their first kiss. How fast she ran..................he clenched his fist.  
  
All thoughts of anger drifted away when he saw her.  
  
Rory came to the bridge hoping he might be there. She thought Jess looked young sitting on the bridge with his legs dangling over the side. She almost didn't want to disturb him but the look on his face was as if he was upset.....in anger or great pain. Rory was disturbed by it. Without saying anything she walked across the bridge and sat down next to him.  
  
There was silence between them. A cold breeze hit their backs and interrupted their thoughts. Rory shuddered and Jess noticed it. He thought about putting his arm around her and pulling her to him. He wanted to......but he didn't.  
  
"I got your letter, via Lane yesterday." Rory thought it best to be direct. She glanced at Jess, but his face remained stoic. He said nothing. "After I read it, I couldn't go back to the wake and everyone else for an hour. I couldn't even move." Jess closed his eyes at her words. Warmth spread everywhere and Jess told himself to hold on to this moment.  
  
It was one of the happiest of his life.  
  
"So you liked it?" Jess just wanted to hear her say she liked it. That was all, everything else was unnecessary. If she would tell him that, he thought he could die happy.  
  
"I loved it. I memorized it. Both of them actually." Jess moved his hand slowly towards Rory's lap and took her hand in his. Their hands lay rested on the bridge, in the space between them. Jess slowly intertwined their fingers. Rory looked at Jess' face but he was looking at their hand holding. He didn't believe it was happening.  
  
"You know I've.....I've never written anything like that before. Ever." And he hadn't. Jess found it hard to believe that he really had. He never, in his entire life, considered himself to bet the type of guy that wrote romantic letters to a girl. And yet he was.  
  
"I'm glad you did."  
  
"Yeah?" Jess lifted his head and looked Rory in the eyes. So beautiful and blue that it almost hurt to look at them. He smiled though. He couldn't help it.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
The only part of their bodies touching was their hands. And they were both very aware of it. Jess started to rub circles with his thumb on her palm. Rory looked away from Jess to the water. It was too intense..all these emotions. Just by holding his hand a heat spread all over her body. Her blood was boiling. She could feel his eyes on her but when she glanced at Jess but he was looking at the water.  
  
Rory looked Jess over out of the corner of her eye. He was wearing a blue jacket and a t-shirt underneath with jeans. Rory looked at his neck, the only skin showing. Jess even seemed to have muscles everywhere. Rory wanted to kiss him there, taste his skin with her tongue. She felt herself blushing and looked at the water. She tried to banish the thoughts from her mind but she couldn't.  
  
"I should go," Rory said suddenly. Jess turned to her sharply at her words. He didn't want her to go. Thoughts ran through his head at a rapid pace: maybe I shouldn't have held her hand, maybe she realizes she wants Dean, maybe she is going to Dean, maybe this is as far as I will ever get with her......  
  
"Before this happens......" Rory squeezed his hand and then continued, ".....there are some things I should take care of first." Jess nodded his head with full understanding but didn't stop staring. Rory felt herself go weak underneath his gaze. She felt powerless to stop what was about to happen.  
  
Jess couldn't help himself.  
  
He leaned in and brushed his lips lightly to hers. He felt her take a breath on his lips and he let her linger there, savoring the moment. Rory kissed him again. It was soft and sweet. Jess pulled her closer and Rory became wrapped up in his arms. They were kissing slowly, drinking each other in. Rory opened her lips and Jess dove in.  
  
She felt all reason escape her as Jess explored her mouth. Rory had never been kissed like this, with such intensity. Jess felt his blood burning and his heart pounding in his chest. He heard a soft moan escape her as they kissed and he thought he was suffocating from desire. Unable to hold back the kiss was deepened and they fell back on the bridge.  
  
He was desperate for her lips, her taste. He moved on top of her to gain better access and Rory's hips gave a small jolt and Jess leaned in more. Her right hand's fingers were threaded in Jess' hair and her left hand was lying lightly on his chest.  
  
They broke apart briefly to breathe and then joined. Jess moved in closer, warmer, deeper in her mouth and Rory moaned again. Jess's lips left hers and started kissing her neck. Warm. Dry. Rory thought he might leave a mark.  
  
Jess wanted to taste all of her. He was addicted. He couldn't get enough. Her skin was so soft and so smooth, like porcelain. He kissed her collarbones and found a vein to suck on. Rory realized at that moment while Jess was kissing her neck that Jess was on top of her, on the bridge......a public place. That this was how people lose control, this was passion. She felt a heat crawl slowly up her thighs, through her hips and to her spine. Rory gasped and Jess covered her mouth again.  
  
Rory didn't want to stop. It felt so good to be wrapped up inside him, warm and safe. Everything bad faded away and things made sense again. Her hand slipped down his chest feeling the muscles underneath the layer of cloth, burning a trail on Jess' skin. They parted again, locking eyes, their breathing erratic. Rory trembled, she wanted more.  
  
Jess kissed her again. It was slow, soft and wet. Then he was kissing her cheeks, her eyes, her nose, her forehead. She sighed in contentment. The kisses were tender and sweet. Jess leaned back, staring hard at her. If he didn't stop then, he wouldn't stop ever. He told himself not here, not like this. Rory's cheeks were flushed, her lips swollen and her eyes were glazed over with desire.  
  
Jess moved off of her and helped her up. They stood facing each other, still breathing heavily. Jess couldn't think of anything to say. Everything that came to mind was either really cheesy or completely complacent. But he felt guilty.  
  
"I'm sorry. I... uh ....shouldn't have kissed you." Jess didn't want her to be scared of him. To Jess that was the worst thing in the world.  
  
"It's okay. I wanted to be kissed." Rory didn't want it to be like the last kiss. Where everything was confusing and horrible afterwards. She wanted this; she wanted him.  
  
"It's just that I haven't been able to talk to you and I...missed you." He really did. It had only been a few days since they said goodbye in the apartment but so much had happened to both of them since then.  
  
"I've missed you too." They were standing a few feet apart. And both wanted to close the distance.  
  
"Have you been alright?" He decided to try and have a normal conversation. Jess really had been worried about Rory and how she was really doing. Sometimes Rory was so secretive that he couldn't tell. And now, his whole life now seemed to revolve around her. Every thought he had came back to her and it was driving him crazy. Especially when he thought about her upset and in pain.  
  
"Yeah, it's been rough but it's getting better. The shock of it is over and everybody keeps saying that you just got to move on. I really don't know what I am supposed to move on to. Cause I think people just use that saying when they don't know what else to say." Rory stopped there; she always rambled when she felt awkward. But what she said was true. For her, the worst part was watching him die.  
  
"Any nightmares?"  
  
"No. My dreams have been strange though."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, but when I wake up I can' really remember them. I just have that feeling."  
  
"Yeah, I hate that, waking up with that strange feeling."  
  
"Yeah." Rory could never remember saying "yeah" so much in her life. Jess stared at her.  
  
"Well I should go. Luke gave me a fifteen minute break forty minutes ago." He took a few steps backward still staring at Rory. He didn't want to leave her.  
  
"I'll see you around Jess." Rory smiled at him. And that was all it took for Jess. He smirked and turned and walked back to the diner, thinking about her. Rory watched Jess walk away, wishing she was walking with him. She stayed at the bridge for a while staring at the water.....working up the courage to see Dean. 


	12. think of me

Pairing: Rory/Jess  
  
Disclaimer: See last chapters  
  
Author's note: This chapter's purpose is to show that Rory doesn't automatically run to Jess after Dean. I think in a lot of fics it is just like "hey Dean and I broke up five min. ago, let's hook-up" and I think it just sucks. I didn't even like how they got together on the show. Anyways, Rory is pining for Jess and Lane is there for her.  
"Just pick something. I don't care at this point."  
  
"I need you to clarify Rory. Do you want wallow in sadness music or cheer me up music?"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"I am going to have to take that as wallow in sadness."  
  
"Fine, so what is wallow in sadness?"  
  
"Wait I got it." Rory watched Lane put on another CD. She had been doing this for over a half hour. Lane thought the perfect music would soothe Rory. So far they had listened to Coldplay, Weezer, Bowie, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and one track off Eminem's new album. Rory was tired of talking about music. It didn't really matter that much to her anyway.  
  
Rory listened to the gentle guitar strings started and looked at Lane sitting next to her with a triumphant smile on her face. Rory recognized the music and she smiled back.  
  
"Simon and Garfunkle. Good choice."  
  
"But is it perfect?"  
  
"Perfect. Really. This will be on the soundtrack of my life."  
  
"Good."  
  
They sat in silence. Rory forgot that the subject of music had distracted them from everything else. From Dean. From Jess. From her heart which hurt very much. Lane was searching for a subject but couldn't come up with anything.  
  
"So.how long until you see Jess again? Are you guys a couple now?" Lane thought they might as well talk about what was both on their minds.  
  
"The answer to both of those questions is I don't know." Now that she was not with Dean, did that make her automatically with Jess? Nothing had been said explicitly, just implied. The last time she had seen Jess was on the bridge. She blushed just thinking about it.  
  
"Do you think you and Dean will be friends?" Lane couldn't fathom life without Dean. For two years he had been in every conversation they had almost. Except lately, except when Jess came.  
  
"I doubt it. At least not for a while. He was so mad." Rory leaned back on the pillows on her bed and hugged a pillow to her chest.  
  
"What did he say exactly?" Lane sat on the edge of the bed and stared at Rory. She was having trouble getting Rory to open up to her. Why wouldn't Rory just say how the break-up happened, she wondered.  
  
"Well I told him we had been growing apart for a while and that it was time for a break. And that I was sorry. Then he.he exploded." Rory wished Lane wouldn't press it; she didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted to forget it ever happened.  
  
"Dean? Exploded?" Lane couldn't believe it. She had only seen Dean mad once, ever. It was so unlike him.  
  
"He started yelling that what I said was a lie. He kept saying over and over 'Just tell me the truth! Just tell me the truth!' And then he brought up Jess. And I couldn't lie to him. So then he got angrier and I.kept saying 'I'm sorry' because I didn't know what else to say." Rory took a breath and held the pillow tighter. "Then he asked me to leave. And I left."  
  
"Rory I am so sorry." Lane didn't know what else to say. She had never gone through an intense break-up because she had never had an intense relationship.  
  
"I am not the one to say sorry to. I am the one who broke his heart. I am the one who fell in love with someone else. I am the one who kissed someone else. It is my fault. Mine." Tears fell down Rory's face and she wiped them away.  
  
"Rory we are young. We are supposed to fall in and out of love. You know that no one liked you and Dean together more than I did. But did you really think that you would be with him forever?" Sometimes Rory was such a little girl, thought Lane.  
  
"I just feel like I didn't deserve him. He was so nice to me. He did everything right and I." More tears falling.  
  
"Of course you did. Don't think like that." Lane hugged Rory as she cried softly. "I know it hurts right now but it will get better."  
  
"I mean you think that I would have cried enough lately. I never knew that there was an endless capacity for tears." Rory pulled away and grabbed the tissues and began dabbing the tears.  
  
"It has been an intense week. Hasn't it?"  
  
"To say the least." An image of her grandpa lying on the floor flashed across Rory's mind.  
  
"All I can think of right now is that really used saying 'When it rains it pours. And I don't even like that saying. My uncle Andrew says it all the time. And he says it for situations that don't even apply." Rory smiled because she had met Lane's uncle Andrew.  
  
"I've met your uncle Andrew and I think I remember him saying that."  
  
"Like one time, he said it when it was really raining outside." Rory laughed softly. And she thought the sound was strange. It had been a while since she laughed. They sat there both staring at each other. "America" began to play, and they both concentrated on the music.  
  
"This really was a good choice Lane." The tune was soothing for Rory. Their voices, together in unison were beautiful. Rory especially loved it when they hummed. It was peaceful in an unexplainable way.  
  
"Yeah well it was a no-brainer. I mean c'mon Simon and Garfunkle. Classic." Lane was making light of her earlier frenzy to find the perfect music for Rory. For her friend who was in pain. To Lane, music was not insignificant, it was powerful and she knew that moments and people's actions were shaped by it. At that moment Rory had found some peace of mind partly from a good friend, and partly because of the tranquil effect of the music. Lane was happy to give that to her.  
  
"Better than Eminem. That's for sure." Not that Rory didn't like Eminem. She respected his music and his talent, but he was not what she was in the mood to hear after ending a two year relationship hours earlier.  
  
"Sorry about that."  
  
"All is forgiven." Rory smiled and then glanced at the clock. It was late, Lane would get in trouble. "Hey, weren't you supposed to be home ten minutes ago?" Rory didn't want Lane in trouble.  
  
"Yeah, but it's no biggie." Lane was very aware of the time.  
  
"No biggie? Mamma Kim is going to skin you alive."  
  
"Okay that was graphic."  
  
"Lane you don't have to baby-sit me. I am fine and besides my mom is going to be home any minute."  
  
"Are you sure?" Lane looked Rory in the eye.  
  
"Positive."  
  
"Good because I can make it home in a minute and a half and then I will only be 13 minutes late and I can just tell my mom that we were watching 'The Ten Commandments' and didn't want to finish it early because we were so caught up in it."  
  
"Bye."  
  
"Bye. Call me tomorrow."  
  
Rory heard the door shut and knew she was alone. After some deliberation she decided to take a bath. In movies and TV shows, women always took long baths with bubbles and candles to calm their nerves. Rory had never took a bath with all that stuff but decided that now was good as time as any to try it.  
  
Rory gathered candles from around the house and lit them in the bathroom. She turned the water on hotter than she normally would and poured the bubbles in. She was about to shed her clothes when she remembered that women were always reading something when they took their baths.  
  
Rory went to her book shelf and grabbed Oliver Twist. Within the pages tucked away were the two letters that Jess had written her. She took her clothes off slowly and winced from the heat of the water. But it felt good. Rory smiled upon realization that she was a cliché. Girl alone on a Friday night, taking a bath with candles.  
  
Rory took the letters out of the book. Now these aren't a cliché, she told herself. She reread the words and imagined Jess writing them. His face bent in concentration. his fingers holding the pen in his hand.  
  
She touched her lips thinking about her last encounter with Jess. The weight of his body on top of her. Gasping for air. His lips on her neck. It all started with simple hand-holding. That's all it took.  
  
Rory imagined Jess with her now.  
  
Rory used to think that she would never be able to let a boy see her naked because she was so self-conscious, but now she wasn't so sure. It didn't seem such a foreign concept. There was never this passion with Dean. But everything was changed now. And it wasn't just Jess. It was her. 


	13. love me

Pairing: Rory/Jess  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but the words are mine...  
  
Author's Note: This chapter was really hard to write. I hope you guys like it.  
Jess walked briskly through Stars Hollow. Glancing around, he noted the smiling people and pleasant atmosphere. He could never belong there; he could never be one of those smiling people. Even if he wanted to, which he didn't, he couldn't because of everything that he came from. And not just geographically speaking.  
  
There were people like that in New York. They were harder to find of course, but they existed. People who believed in happily ever after. People who do things because they are nice. People who are polite to everyone not because they have to. People who always say what they mean. People who are innocent.  
  
People like Rory.  
  
Actually Jess had never met anyone like Rory. Ever. He had met girls who were innocent before.but Rory wasn't entirely innocent. He had met girls who were very intelligent before.but Rory wasn't just a brain. He had met girls who were well read.and met girls who had good taste in music. He had met girls who could keep up with his verbal banter.but Rory did it without any effort at all. To top it all off she was beautiful. Undeniably so. Rory could wear a paper sack and still look stunning. It amazed him.  
  
Rory was everything he could ever want.  
  
Jess knew that now. She was the one. She was the one every other girl would always be compared to. He loved her the first moment he saw her in her room sitting at her computer and he didn't even know it. From that first meeting she had a power over him and Jess felt like he was at her mercy. She could make him do anything she wanted. This was terrifying to Jess.  
  
He was going to her now.  
  
Jess heard that Rory had broken up with Dean and yet he hadn't seen her since their last meeting at the bridge. It had been a few days. She hadn't come into the diner with her mom. She hadn't called. She hadn't even been seen around town.  
  
Jess was tired of waiting. He had waited the entire summer. He had waited for her all the previous year. And Jess was not normally a patient person. And Jess knew that being able to be with Rory would be worth everything. But even he had his limit. He wanted.needed to be with her. As Jess walked he thought that if it didn't happen then than it would never happen. He had to know. It was now or never for him.  
  
As Jess approached the Gilmore house the sun had finished setting and it was that brief time of dusk. The transition from day to night, light to dark. Before the stars faded into existence and after the last red and purple streaks vanish from the sky. He knocked. Nervously Jess jammed his hands in his pockets when the door was opened.  
  
"Oh.Hello."  
  
"Hey, is Rory home?" Jess had expected this. He knew that Lorelai would probably be there. He had prepared himself.  
  
"Yeah come in." Jess stepped inside and followed Lorelai toward the kitchen and toward Rory's room.  
  
"Rory you have company." Rory stepped out of her room when she heard her mother's voice.  
  
"Hi." Jess felt paralyzed when he saw her. Her hair was up but messily. Jess had never seen her like her hair like that. She was standing barefoot wearing her school uniform skirt and button down blouse in her doorway. But Jess noted that she wasn't wearing the sweater or tie or stockings she normally wears with them. Knowing that she had discarded some of her clothing was distracting for Jess.  
  
"Hi." Rory smiled awkwardly and tore her eyes away from Jess. She did not expect him there, and she was surprised. But also scared.  
  
"Do you wanna.?" Rory motioned for Jess to come in her room and he walked past her. His body brushing up against her slightly leaving them both very aware. His eyes never left hers. Rory glanced at her mom and shut the door.  
  
"So here we are." Jess had forgotten why he came. He had forgotten everything once he laid eyes on her. He felt like an idiot. Her presence had this much effect on him.  
  
"Yep, here we are." Rory also couldn't find words at that moment. She nervously tucked her hair behind her ears. And avoided Jess' eyes.  
  
"Homework?" Jess looked down at Rory's desk filled with spiral notebooks opened.  
  
"Yeah, I have a lot of catching up to do." Rory was grateful for the conversation. But it was strange having Jess alone in her room with the door shut. No matter where she looked, Rory was either looking at Jess or at the bed.  
  
"And is all that homework too?" Jess was also looking at the bed. But he was more concerned with the piles of books on it and her empty shelves.  
  
"No that's not homework. I.uh.realized that I really needed to organize my shelves so that's what I am doing. It's by genre." Rory had started the project after becoming frustrated that all she could think about was him. Reorganizing her books was a poor distraction though; every book she picked up reminded her in some way of Jess.  
  
"Huh." Jess looked over the titles. But he wasn't thinking of the books. He was contemplating how long they would keep this small talk up.  
  
"You could.um.help me with it..if..you want to." Rory met Jess's eyes. Her meaning was clear.  
  
"Okay." Jess' voice was soft and sincere. He took a few steps near her and Rory's heart began to pound. About a foot from her he stopped when he heard a knock and Lorelai opened the door.  
  
"Rory I am going to Sookie's. I will be back around ten, eleven at the latest." Lorelai didn't really need to go to Sookie's. But she wanted to do something nice for her daughter. Even if it involved Jess.  
  
"Okay. I am staying in tonight so ...tell her I said hi." Jess caught the look Rory gave him when she said she was staying in. He felt his blood rush at rapid speeds, he was going to be alone with Rory in her room.near her bed.without interruption for a few hours.  
  
"I will. Bye."  
  
"Bye." Rory turned back to Jess after her mom shut the door. The air was different and Jess was almost smiling.  
  
They began re-shelving. Silently Jess gathered books qualified as Harlem Renaissance and put them next to her small but respectful Beat collection. Rory grabbed Plato's The Republic, the top book off the philosophy pile she had made, and attempted to put it on the highest shelf. She had to get on her tip toes and she could barely reach. Rory didn't want to look like a child in front of Jess so she put the book down quickly and pretended it didn't happen.  
  
She gasped when she felt Jess behind her.  
  
Jess saw her fail to put a book on the top shelf. He thought it was cute the way she reached and scrunched up her face in concentration. As a guy though, he saw his opportunity. He moved behind her so that his chest was pressed to her back. He felt her body stiffen and heard the sharp intake of breath. Rory turned and faced him.  
  
Holding her gaze Jess reached behind her and grabbed the book she had put down in frustration. Rory couldn't breathe. They were so close. Silently, Jess reached up and put the book on the top shelf, only looking away from Rory for an instant. When he did so he had to lean in to reach and their faces were only centimeters apart.  
  
Jess put his arms up on either side of her face against the bookcase. Trapping Rory. She was still holding the other book she had picked up. It was Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman. Fitting, Rory thought.  
  
"Is it true you broke up with Dean?" Jess' voice was soft and slow. He was looking at Rory intently and she was looking down.  
  
"Yes." Rory said it breathlessly. Her chest was rising up and down, and her breathing was erratic. Overcome with unfamiliar emotions rushing through her body, her skin.  
  
"Why?" Jess needed to hear her say it.  
  
"Well....we......had....grown apart. And.....were heading. ......in two different directions." Rory still couldn't look Jess in the eye. She was scared of what would happen.  
  
"Different directions? That's it."  
  
"Yes and also......I........." Rory couldn't finish. She tried to turn away and put Walt Whitman in the poetry section but Jess grabbed the book from her easily and dropped it to the floor. His arms went back to their previous position.  
  
"You what?" Jess' voice was stronger now, eager for her answer.  
  
"I didn't......I didn't.......love him anymore." Rory lifted her head and looked Jess in the eye. He swallowed hard. Everything he wanted was so close. Finally within reach.  
  
"Why not?" Jess kept staring at her hard and Rory grew frustrated.  
  
"You know why!"  
  
"Tell me."  
  
"I........." Rory was still breathing hard. She bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes. If she said what she wanted to say, how she truly felt.......then there would be no turning back.  
  
"Please." Jess's voice was soft. He hated to beg, he hardly ever said please for anything. Rory opened her eyes at his words. At the tenderness of his voice. She looked him straight in the eyes. And took a deep breath.  
  
"Because of you. Because I love you."  
  
The effect those words had on Jess were immediate. He had hoped and thought about Rory telling him this, but for her to actually say those words to him was so powerful Jess thought he might collapse. He dropped his head. Letting the words sink in.  
  
"You love me?"  
  
"Yes. I love you Jess." Rory reached out and cupped his cheek and Jess leaned into it, tilting his head. Their lips met. Jess' hands wandered up and down her back and through her hair. Rory wrapped her arms around Jess' neck and the kiss was deepened. Her lips were so soft that Jess couldn't get enough. He pushed forward and Rory was backed up against the book shelf.  
  
Jess pulled away to tell her, "God Rory.......I love you too." Rory smiled. And they kissed again. Jess took a few steps backward toward the bed. He knew what he wanted but he wasn't sure if he should. Rory took steps with him. Never breaking their kisses they fell on the bed. Jess let go of her to push the books from under them. Rory hardly even noticed it. She was so caught up in the kissing, in how close their bodies were. She felt him everywhere. Jess left her lips and started to kiss her neck.  
  
It's the same spot he kissed before, Rory thought. Jess loved her neck. Loved tasting her skin. He felt her pulling on his shirt. She was trying to take it off. He sat up partly and pulled it over her head. Their brief separation allowed reason to creep back in. Jess stared at Rory, not knowing if he should continue. She was lying on the bed, beautiful, looking back up at him.  
  
Thoughts came at Rory at lightening speed. She knew that it was too soon, too much. But she wanted to......needed to so much. She thought about stopping. Rory smiled and reached up with both arms and encircled his neck pulling Jess back down. 


	14. happily ever after the end

Pairing: Rory/Jess  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but I own the words  
  
Author's Note: I wrote this with having Rory lose her virginity to Jess in this chapter but I decided not to have that scene in there because it didn't fit with the story. I don't think Rory would have sex with Jess right away anyways. But this chapter shows, or supposed to anyways, that they do indeed love each other and they are in fact a couple that will live happily ever after. This is the last chapter so enjoy.....  
  
"I know I should leave but I don't think my body will let me."  
  
"Don't leave."  
  
"And risk your mother walking in. No thanks."  
  
Rory's body was curled against Jess'. They were lying in her bed in the blue tinted darkness...Jess with his shirt off and Rory in her skirt still and tank top. The button down shirt had gotten removed when they were kissing. Rory blushed just thinking about it. Kissing Jess was not like kissing Dean. At all.  
  
She was tracing circles on his chest, and Jess reveled at the sweet gesture. At the intimacy of the moment. At the softness of her hair. At the smell of her skin.  
  
At the utter perfection he felt.  
  
"What happens when you leave?" Rory's question was laced with meanings that Jess was fully aware of.  
  
"You sleep. And tomorrow morning you'll come to the diner and I'll be waiting for you." Jess kissed Rory's forehead and reluctantly sat up and moved away from Rory. He threw his legs over the bed and Rory hugged him from behind pressing her chest to his back and kissing the back of his neck.  
  
"The clock's fast. You still have a few more minutes." Rory didn't want Jess to leave. She knew she was being irrational but she didn't care.  
  
"All the clocks in this house are fast, including the one on your mother's wrist." Jess bent over to pick up his shoes which he kicked off and while doing so Rory wrapped both arms around him and pulled him back up to sitting position. From behind she started stroking his chest up and down, up and down.......  
  
"Ugh! You're not making this any easier ya'know." Jess got off the bed and started putting on the rest of his clothes. It was hard for Jess to move away from her then. His blood was flowing fast through him and he wanted to hold her all night.....like before.  
  
He looked at Rory and felt an ache in his chest.  
  
Rory was so beautiful in the blue light. It was dark but Jess had long before adjusted to the darkness and could see her perfectly. She was sitting up in bed wearing a tank top with her hair tousled and her lips pouty in that way that made Jess want to crush her to him painfully. Jess knew what she was doing; she was trying to get him to stay. And he felt it working on him.  
  
"You're staring again." Rory smiled and blushed, but Jess couldn't see it, it was too dark in her room.  
  
"Sorry." But he wasn't.  
  
Jess slid his shoes on and walked back to the bed. He kissed her tenderly and Rory put her arms around his neck. They stayed there for a few moments holding each other but eventually Jess pulled away. He couldn't risk Lorelai walking in on them. It could destroy everything. He stood and was about to tell her he loved her when she spoke first.  
  
"Jess how can you leave me so easily?"  
  
He froze, it felt like he had been slapped. Emotions rushed through him: hurt, anger, spite, but stronger than those was love, so powerful that everything else seemed insignificant. Jess understood what Rory was thinking. She was hurt that he was leaving her.  
  
She was doubting everything that was shared between them.  
  
"I can't actually." As soon as the words left his mouth. Jess rushed toward Rory so unexpectedly that she squealed. Pushing her down on the bed he nestled on top of her in between in her legs. The movement, the shift of positions, was done naturally as old lovers would do. He started kissing her lips then her face and Rory giggled. In between the kisses Jess spoke, "It appears that you have put a spell on me Rory, one that prevents me from ever leaving your arms."  
  
"How did you find out about my wicca-powers?" Rory laughed as she spoke and looked down at Jess kissing her stomach over her tank-top.  
  
"Found your broom in the closet." Jess stopped kissing her and rested his head on her chest and sighed as he felt Rory's hands on his back.  
  
"Dam, now I will just have to keep you here forever." Rory wasn't kidding. She wanted this.....this feeling that was so wonderful.....this love flowing through her to last and last forever. If Jess left, she knew she the feeling would leave.  
  
"Rory I don't want to leave either..." Jess voice was sincere and he moved so that they were face to face, propping himself up on his arms on either side of Rory's face. "More than you will ever know. I wish I could stay with you all night.....hold you in my arms, but I can't. I have to leave before your mother gets here. But don't think I want to leave. I don't."  
  
"I know." Rory looked away. She hated that Jess was right. "I'm being stupid."  
  
"You're not stupid, you're in love." Jess kissed the top of her forehead tenderly. Rory loved it when he did that.  
  
"Yeah I guess I am....It's just that, when I'm with you I don't feel so rotten and it doesn't hurt. So, I don't want you to go." She smiled at him because she was.  
  
"It's going to hurt for a while, that can't be helped." While he spoke Rory tucked her head in his chest. Jess didn't know what else to say about pain except that you have to endure it.  
  
"I know it just that sometimes, like now or whenever I'm with you, everything is wonderful and then it's not and I can't even stand it because it hurts so bad. Sometimes I just feel like my whole life is falling apart." There were tears in her voice but she wasn't crying.  
  
"All things fall apart eventually. You can't really live a life without pain and without death. It's just not possible. I wish it was, but it's not. That is just reality. The thing is, if you keep going then eventually everything comes back together. I don't know much but I know that." He kissed the top of her head.  
  
"See, this is why I don't want you to go!" She looked up at him, pleading with her eyes which she knew he loved because of the letter. Jess didn't say anything, he just kissed her. And Rory knew what it was. It was a goodbye kiss.  
  
After the kiss she got up and flicked on the light then walked over to her jewelry box and started rummaging through it. Jess was sitting on the bed watching her while putting on his shoes and his shirt.  
  
"What are you doing?" Jess walked over to Rory.  
  
"There! Found them!" She was holding a necklace and a ring in her hand. She turned and faced Jess. "You see this," Rory gave the ring to Jess and he looked at it closely, "is my absolute favorite ring. I only wear it for special occasions because it is really expensive. I got it at this antique store when my mother and Sookie were shopping and I saw it and loved it. The lady said it was like a hundred years old."  
  
"It's beautiful.like you." Rory blushed.  
  
It really was a lovely ring. Silver with a heart filled in with a garnet stone. Jess remembered seeing Rory wearing it once, at the diner after a wedding or something. He remembered thinking it was so simple, so beautiful, so her.  
  
"I want you to have it." Rory was fiddling with a necklace that she never liked. The leather strap was too long on her, falling low in below her breasts. She was getting the charm off the leather strap.  
  
"Rory I can't accept this." Jess was still looking at the tiny ring in his fingers. It was too nice. Besides it would never fit, he thought.  
  
"I want you to." She took the ring and put it on the leather strap. "Here." Jess leaned forward and Rory tied it around his neck. The ring fell low on his chest, how Rory knew it would. She kissed him quickly.  
  
"Thank you." Jess leaned in and kissed her again. "Rory I'll never take it off."  
  
"You should go."  
  
"I should. Come early tomorrow so we can have the whole day."  
  
"Real early." She kissed him then pulled away. "What are we going to do?"  
  
"I honestly don't care." Another kiss. "Anything you want." More kissing.  
  
"This is nice.this moment."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Am I your girlfriend now?" Rory didn't want to bring it up. But they hadn't said anything explicit about their relationship. Rory was worried. It was stupid and she knew that, but she still was.  
  
"Depends...am I your boyfriend?" Jess said it as a joke. Of course they were a couple now. They said I love you. Jess is now wearing her ring.  
  
"Only if you want to be."  
  
"I want to be."  
  
"Then I will be your girlfriend."  
  
"Good, cause I really hoping you would." Another kiss, but slower and longer. And Rory felt warm wrapped up in his arms and in his words.comforting her.filling her with love.  
  
"I love you Jess." She knew it wasn't as eloquent as his letters but she meant it. Rory knew at that moment she would love him forever. She would never be able to explain it, even years later. But she right then, that he was it.  
  
"I love you too." Jess kissed her again. He felt himself quivering inside, the emotions were too strong then, and he was too vulnerable. He really didn't want to leave but knew he had to.  
  
"Goodnight Jess." Rory pulled away from him after she said it. Rory was ready for him to go. She knew the feeling wouldn't leave her.  
  
"Goodnight love." Rory blushed and looked down and Jess smirked. He wanted that effect; he liked making her blush. He lifted her head to kiss her and she was delicious.  
  
He walked past her and out the door. His hand on his chest feeling her ring underneath his shirt. Jess walked out into the night closing the door softly behind him. He knew he wouldn't sleep that night, he wanted her too much. He would write her another letter he decided. This time being clear in his emotions and his love for her.  
  
Everything would be different now. Everything would be better.  
  
Jess looked back at the house when he reached the edge of the driveway. It excited him knowing that she was in there. He looked up at the stars and the moon memorizing the night, how he felt how the air was. He looked at the window he knew to be Rory's and felt a longing to rush back to climb through it. But he didn't move; his feet were still on the concrete.  
  
Rory got back in her bed and turned off the light. She reached her hand out wishing Jess was filling that space. She smiled thinking of him before and of him now. Jess was so tender and so passionate at the same time. She thought of them together in the bed, almost having sex. She smiled. Rory knew she wouldn't be a virgin for very long.  
  
Suddenly Rory felt tired. A wave of exhaustion swept over her and she felt sleep coming. She rolled over into her comfortable sleeping position. Her last thoughts before slipping into her dreams were romantic images of Jess and her going on vacations, living together, getting married, having kids. Childish maybe. But she was in love.  
  
Jess smiled looking at the dark house. He was also very much in love. And even more miraculous, she loved him back. This was what all the poets had been writing about, what all the songs were trying to capture in their angst ridden lyrics. The feeling of utter elation sweeping through Jess at that moment. He was going to remember that moment and that night for the rest of his life. Keep the memory like some hold onto old photographs.  
  
That was the love of his life in that dark window. He decided then to never let her go, never lose their love, never stop the tenderness and the passion. He needed Rory too much.  
  
Jess wasn't as optimistic as Rory; he was fully aware of their differences and the most likely outcome of their romance like all high school romances. But for the first time in his life. Jess brushed aside the dark thoughts and was willing to believe in the happy ever after.  
  
Walking back that night Jess also imagined the rest of his life with Rory by his side. His images, his dreams, were of lazy afternoons spent in bed, concerts, bookstores, a weekend in New York City. Jess decided then he needed to show her his New York City. Where he grew up, where he hung out.he would let her in on everything and tell her all his secrets.  
  
He knew it could work.it had to.  
THE END  
AN: I hope you guys liked it. It was my first fic so hopefully I will get better. I am writing 2 others right now but like I said, I don't post till I have them finished so it is fairer to you guys. Anyways, I hope you guys got that this story was about Death and how that makes Rory realize she needs and loves Jess. At the end, Rory isn't so innocent but is braver and Jess is willing to believe in love and all the other cheesy stuff cause he has Rory. That was supposed to be my main point. I hope you can find it in the story. So thank you to all those who reviewed. 


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